Friday, August 24, 2007

Everything's messed up, but everything's alright

you were my sweetest mistake
my favorite downfall
the sweet smelling emotional suicide
the best way to break my heart

but will i ever mention you?
when i talk about the people who were dear to me
i loved you, but that was a long time ago
before i went to bed and went to sleep
to dream and pretend i wasn't hurt
by the words i couldn't get out of my head
you were my greatest downfall
the biggest mistake i was ever glad to make
the only thing upon which i could break

will i wake to see the light
will i find that it's still night
will i cry when i remember what happened
do i have any reason to cry at all
do you?
the stars are brighter than i ever knew they were
burning through the sky
the moon is a pale imitation of a heart
illuminating the lonely road i'm on

i guess it was the same one all along

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Da na na na

somedays i don't feel like dancing
those days i just smile and try to stay in time
i cannot believe them when they say i'll be okay
someone i trusted in tells me that it'll come out okay
okay, okay, okay, i've had enough with okay
i'm not feeling okay, i don't want it to be okay
just forget it. i don't care about it
i don't even know what the "it" we're talking about is
but i'm willing to bet i don't care

i just lost a bet
because i do care
i care about all the children growing up in broken homes
i care about all the withered trees without any water
about the fish in the sea
the birds in the sky
and you and i and myself and why do you wear sweaters no matter the weather?
she's a girl from the wrong side of the train tracks
growing up inbetween the huge homes and rich girls
who couldn't say they love you because they don't really care

Poets don't know it's all a game...

have you had dreams you'd care to forget?
i've had hallucinations that make me feel like-
probably because I'm afraid of the dark
and afraid of being alone
and afraid of damn near anything
like the silhouette in the doorway
that i can't quite make out
maybe that's a dream too (i hope)

you get used to the nightmares after a while
well, of course you would, they're happening to me
anyway, it's a lifetime guarantee
that i don't really know and probably won't find
exactly what i've always wanted

give me something that i need
satisfaction or at least something that won't bleed
kiss me right where it hurts
devastating the only hope that i was using
the hope that i could teach myself not to feel
to never love, hate, cry or laugh for any reason
truely. i guess i was lost. without a warning sound

Monday, August 20, 2007

I'm so cool, it's like my heart's frozen.

i'm sitting here drafting a new version of my heart
because my love emailed me a letterbomb and blew the old one all apart
i'm still tripping over broken bits and memories
when i toss them in the furnace i get bloodstains on my hands
maybe i'm supposed to be missing you
maybe i'm supposed to be a lot of things
like fidelity and honesty
and chivalry and love
and love
and love

i don't know how to tell you that i wished we were friends
or at least lovers
back-seat-kissers
(maybe this is a joke)
(maybe i don't care that this isn't something to joke about)
i've never been able to stop laughing
i made a joke about 9/11 after it happened
i was unused to tragedy
i've wised up good now
and am on close terms with a sense of doom
and hugs that bleed all over your clothes
and i've finally figured out that friends you can count on
and lovers you can count on to stab you in the back

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I Was Only Loaning You Everything I Ever Did

Every single kiss I gave to every single girl
All alone under the starry night sky
I take them all back, because now I know
This is where I belong, here where I am
Every single kind word, whispered in a lover's ear
I'm taking them all back, because it's impossible to live
Or breath, if I know you're still counting them as true
Just give back all the rings, and all the pretty things
I bought every one of you
Give me back the memories, so I can burn them all
I know where I am is where I'm supposed to be
So don't fight, don't fool around, don't question me
You're too blinded by your happy endings to see that I'm right

I Can't Think Of Any Reasons For You To Get Out Of My Life, But I Guess You Did

I can see that you've lost me
I haven't heard from you in what seems like weeks
(You said you'd call every day
That you'd never leave or go away)
Well what's this? it's your absence
It hurts, even though it makes me come alive
Or dead, by now I can't really tell the difference

Even if you don't call tomorrow
And your letters never arrive
Even if my inbox is always empty
And I never hear from you again
I'll still be looking for a reason not to give up hope
And I'll never lose it, that reason is you

(It's another night spent under a bridge
Looking at where we carved our names into a tree
Reliving all the places where we were once alive
I can't tell anymore if I'm drowning in my love for you
Or just drowning in a lack of getting it back)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

A Starry Night, In Blue

It's kinda sad, and a little upsetting
Knowing that no matter when I check
She won't be there
2 AM, and my inbox is empty
Like it was yesterday, and will be tomorrow
Even if I could make the stars fall
And kill the day with a word
I don't think I could find you
I've lost you too many times

As the computer starts to shut down
The darkness aches into my eyes
My apartment's shut up in shadow
Looking out the window, I see that half the city can't sleep
Who are you? sleepless people
Why are you still awake?
Are you trying to remember who you had
And what you did
Memories are good, it's true
But photographs are better, you can burn them if you need to

It's been such a long time now, I guess you're not coming home
But I'm still waiting to talk to you again
Maybe it's pathetic to still be waiting after 5 years
And even more after 17
But let me tell you, after a while
You get beyond frustration
And just start to fade away
Girl, I'll always still love you
I'll never go away

Monday, July 23, 2007

I see your face all through every day, and i can't remember your name, but we're happy so it's all okay

"There's five reasons why you saw me standing outside your window last night
But I can't remember any of them except for "I love you"
That's the excuse that I feel I can trust
I just don't know if I can trust who I'm excusing myself from"


i wrote that poem a long time ago
and for some stupid reason i copied it down onto the back of a photograph of us
hidden in the back of a set of drawers your aunt gave us
who thought we'd grow up and make memories
like the ones we recall these days
you and me, and the rest of the gang
running loose through the night
the joy and freedom was contagious
like a disease that uprooted you from your roots
and sent you tumbling through the air
who would have thought it
you landed next to me
all worn out and out of breath
you landed next to me

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I'm Leaving Home In Three Weeks, And You're Deciding To Come Back In 4

I've heard God has a plan for everything
And I have a feeling that that's true
I just have to say, I hope the one that says "everything dies"
Doesn't apply to you
Because to me, that'd be way too cruel
To take what makes life worth living
And hiding it in death
What would happen to the happiness?
The innocence it held?
The world that used to be held so calmly in her hands

And the reason that these words come so easy
Is because fear of loneliness is one of the fears I find so hard to face
Offer whatever help you can, I'll take what I can get
And leave what I can't forget

But what about the plans that we had...?
And how you had said you were so glad to hold me in your arms once more
Good bye isn't what I want to hear
Even though it's what's sticking to our lips
And what we need to say
I guess it's time to go

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Can You Hear The Revolution?

Life is unpredictable, even in the best of times
But in the end it always turns out right
I hope you had a good time in your life

Because the sun is baking my face
Staring down on this miserable place
Hot in the sun, I'm coming undone
Or at least the buttons to my shirt are
Believe me, I've done this all before
The tired, baggy eyes
The messed up, fumbled lies
It's something I've seen happen so many times
Where love is the biggest of all bombs
And you have to be sure to stand back and cover your eyes when it detonates

Although, if you're asking for reasons why I shouldn't
Nothing comes to mind
I'm a good boy-rebel, I'm pretty much a saint
I've got a lot saved up in the karma bank, and for spending it, well
I don't want to wait
I want to sing a melody, a changing of our lives
A defeating of the old guard, and the baptising of the new
Living with out warning or boredom; I am, how about you?

Friday, July 13, 2007

And You Gave Up On Me Anyway

I take pills even though they're not what I need
All the warnings and alerts I'm too tired to heed
From my head to my stomach, I'm sick and on the run
Sometimes it just hurts so much
I have to sit, and dream alone

And the sunset is sinking in the sky
I'm feeling like I'm watching some small, vital part of me die
Like my heart, or something else I keep inside
Maybe my soul is coming apart
Splitting into two
Can that happen? are the stories true?

Keep me safe, inside your heart
Don't let the world tear me apart
Sacrifice yourself to keep me alive
Because throughout all the crowded rooms there isn't anyone who cares
Or would listen to my pleas, concealed inside whispered dares

Well, now I'm on the borderline
Of insanity and my mind
Who can fix what's broken inside?
My shattered heart is slowly beating
Up against my broken ribs
My tattered lungs are sorely breathing
My eyes feel like they're being pushed out from inside
And my ears are buzzing

Is this what love feels like?
Am I really happy?
I don't know, and I don't care
Just somebody help me
Somebody help me

(warning; I am not actually depressed, just in a slightly bad mood/listening to emo music)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Like A Book Left In The Rain, Erasing Before Its Eyes (That's You & I)

She is one extraordinary girl
And she hurts and breaks his world
He heard her crying out for someone to save her
But she pushed him away, saying
"No, you're not the guy I want
He's over there; see him?"
Well, he doesn't know quite what he's found
And she doesn't really know what she's turning down

Oh, and he
He's an ordinary boy
Or so he seems to everyone
Except himself, inside
He's hiding something big, but he doesn't
Actually know what he hides
A perfect kiss, on her perfect lips
The perfect thing to stop a heart's apocalypse

She left him alone again
Sometimes he gets so sick of crying
And lying that he's okay, and she doesn't have to call
Every single night. he gets to the point where
He almost feels like dying
And thinking that starts off the crying
Because she left him alone again
The extraordinary girl and the ordinary boy
Who's just trying to make himself worthy;
It's a difficult ploy.

But on the other hand, she has no idea she's such an extraordinary girl
In the eyes of the ordinary boy
She leaves him alone, so she can wipe the tears from her eyes
And pretend she was never crying
They don't see what they need is each other
Well, she doesn't see, and he won't say
What's in their hearts and minds
This ordinary boy and extraordinary girl

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Not Titled Yet...

Alright, so...
Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe we're both crazy, or we're just falling behind
On our plan on how to break out of this no-star town
What happened to those good old days? when we didn't know "love" meant
And the stars never refused to shine
What's going on? when I wake up what will I find?

You're the teenage queen and the chosen one
I'm the desperate hero with the loaded gun
And we're both just trying to hold on for as long as we can
Before they take back all the hopes we had borrowed that night
(That was so long ago, I can barely remember)

But wait!
It was 1993, and you and me
We were at a party, it was a summer Tuesday night
And with the stars overhead and my hand in yours
I could have sworn everything was gonna come out right
And maybe it was just the light, but your eyes went on for infinity
And they stabbed right through me
I guess it hurt, but still; ecstasy

And even though it's been so long
When I read the words you write at night
Shivers slide down my spine

Monday, July 09, 2007

This Isn't An Epic, I Just Don't Know When To End Things

Dearly beloved, are you listening?
My heart is hurting me, I can barely say a thing
I wish I could help you now, I've done it before
But it's tough when I'm living at death's door

And right now I'm the center of attention
You're the core of what's wrong with me
A melody that's too addictive
I can't stop humming it to take time to live

Oh, my darling, tell me you're listening
I have a feel this is the last song I'll sing
Please, save me honey
Kiss me and tell me you won't let me go
I have a hunch death is something love can help me avoid

Okay, forget this, no one's listening
There are no hands waving in the air, cause no one seems to care
That I'm shouting my heart out, and shredding my soul
Just to make an impression and capture hearts

Ahhh, never mind
I know that there's someone listening
And hanging onto every word
I wonder which ones she's heard?
(Have you been there all the time?)

I guess it's time I get my heart attack fixed
It'll just take a kiss upside the head
Or a smack right on the lips
I've been so happy so see you here with me
Tell it to me again girl; what's your name?

I read poetry hidden in the graffiti
Inside the bathroom stall
Signs and sighs are the same thing more often than people realize
And I don't care, no I don't care
I don't care, (so I tell myself)
You don't care, no you don't care
You don't care (that's what I tell myself)

Sometimes I feel so full of it
All the crap that's supposed to be creativity

**********

Dearly beloved, I hope you're listening
'Cause I've meant you to hear this song
And like it a whole lot
Is there some kind of beacon, a rallying point
We can try to avoid?
Something that'll turn them off but switch us on
Something that looks like "run, run away"
But really says "come, come and stay"
I'm glad that you're in the audience
Taking in my words, listening
Heck, I've been singing this all for you

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Inbetween Summer, Love, Music and Life, There's No Way Innocence Can Last

Look baby, here comes the rain again
Drenching me in all my fear and pain
Maybe, baby, we could just go to sleep right here
And it'll be warm and dry when we awake
Then we'll know who we really are

Summer has come again
And finally killed my innocence at last
How did this all come to pass?
How could I let everything happen
Inspite of all my fears?
Is it just an unstoppable change
A signal of the years?

I love you girl
And for what you're worth
You're worth it, however short a while
You're worth a sea of gold or a forest of diamonds
If it's just one night or an eternity of days
If it all works out, will we watch our lives on a screen
And never once cringe, or feel a single thing?

Would you listen all night long
To the ravings of a poet or a genius?
I have a feeling you would if it was me
If you felt like raving, I'd let you too
And we could pretend to be crazy at two in the morning
Staying crazy all night until the sun comes up
And having a lazy day
Appreciating who we are
And what we're doing here

Like all things come to pass
I'll wait until you give in at last
Just wake me up before my freedom ends
Because while I'd love to be here so we can pick up on this whenever you choose
Time will move on, and I can't get left behind
You're not the only thing I love
But one of them I love the dearest
Time is jerk, and moves too fast
I think my love could last
What about yours? do you think you could drag it out
So we could see how far we get?

How should I end this?
Is the right ending "summer came and summer passed
and took love right with it
It ended before it ever began"?
Or maybe
"Summer came and summer passed
She woke me up before Fall had a chance to end"
Here comes the rain again
Falling from my eyes
The innocence dies from all the pain
Of feeling what it wasn't meant to feel
Just wake me up before my life ends
I'm giving you years to come
So just wake me up, give me a nudge
And tell me to come out

(Here comes the stars again
Shining from your eyes
Overloading my memory
Resetting it so I don't remember what I've lost)

Monday, July 02, 2007

My Life, I Guess

To Guy's best girl:
It's a good time every time you come around
And I think about what I've found
A place of my own, my pad, my home
And friends and crap like that to fill it with
It's a life, and it's a good one
Now I'm just wondering if you'll come around to my side
Instead of just my apartment

To Guy's best friend:

Well, the streets light up at night
And the music sounds alright
At 3 am, you and me jamming and making songs come out right
I just wish she'd come around
And see what I can do
If I picked my best friend right now, that'd be you
But she'd be even better, cause you're a guy
And man's best friend is either a dog or a woman
Because another guy will drink all his beer
I'm living and I'm moving for a better life
Even though where I am is alright

To anyone who'll listen:
I wonder what'll happen next time she comes around

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Another Poem For Whomever Reads It And Takes It To Heart

I didn't think love was supposed to be like this
I thought that it was only a kiss
Can you still look at me the same way now?
I'm trying to look at you like I did before
But I don't know how
'Cause I can't get that night out of my mind

I say "maybe we could stay together if we just stay friends"
You say "don't you know when you fall in love the friendship ends?"
I don't know if that's true, I have a feeling it might be
So I'll try and take in all I can
Before we disappear

And now it's been two weeks since you last talked to me
And I'm confused on which you are, best friend, lover or arch enemy
Oh, and which you've labelled me
(Because here I am
Waiting to cool your fevered brow
And take your pale thin hand)
You're something precious I can't replace
Just try to find something that works almost as well
I can't breath unless you're breathing with me

Life is an adventure and I'm adventuring for sure
The question is, am I doing it alone
Or are you doing it with me?
(Will I live my life at home
Or out under the stars?
Do you want to sleep by the fire
Or roam, not knowing how far?)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

You Can't Go Back (And Find Everything Intact)

“Twelve years,” he thought to himself, “Twelve long years since I left home.” He stood on the deck of the ship, turning this over in his mind. Maxwell Luthor VanVendrig was standing on the deck of the ship destined to bring him back to the home he had abandoned long ago. Twelve years ago he had fled the small town in which he had grown up in, secretly joining the crew of a hauling ship. He had let a few of his closest friends know the time he was leaving, and as the ship had pulled away from the dock they ran after it, crying out various farewells. “Goodbye Max! Have an adventure!” “You bastard! Running away without taking me with!” “Stay safe, and don’t forget us!” “I haven’t forgotten you,” he mused. “Especially not you…” Lena McCorskova. One of the local girls, and if not the prettiest or best dancer, doubtlessly the most artfully inclined. She was always making sketches of whatever happened to be about in her notebook, and writing small couplets as captions beneath them. And that was only one of her intriguing qualities in the eyes of Maxwell. She had long hair that looked black, but if you looked closely was simply an extremely dark brown. Under certain light it was possible to detect a sheen of red permeating through it. Her eyes were hard, and oddly colored, with a watery green that sparked with many colors when she was excited or angry. Her skin was milky white, burning light pink in the summer. Some of the other boys said that she looked strange, but Max always beat them until they changed their opinion, or at least learned to hide it. He thought the combination of her features and the light, flowery dresses that she was always wearing made her seem exotic and supernatural, like an elf that had decided to take up life among humans.
“Yes, it has been a long time,” he murmured. “But now I’ll see you again, and how much all of you have changed.” The island was coming up, and he returned to his cabin to finish packing up his few belongings. Some clean, practical and thoroughly without airs clothes, a pair of dark leather boots, a journal, the hunting knife his old captain had given him when he had left his service, and a copy of the Bible, blessed by the priest of his old parish. This was all his worldy possessions, not including a fairly heavy bag of money that was hanging from his belt. A member of the crew called out that they had reached land, and he straighted up, and walked through the corridors up to the deck of the ship.
Looking out at the dock, he saw that his letter had arrived in time, and he had a greeting party. John MacCutcheon, Phineas Franklin, and Gerry Ladlen; his best pals in the world when he had left. And down the road came Lena, walking onto the dock as the boat was made fast by the crew. She looked almost completely the same as he remembered her, except maybe a bit taller and more slender. A slight thinning of the face, which only improved her beauty, he thought to himself. And then it hit him, in strong, unquenchable waves, like the ones washing in from the sea. He had missed her. More than anything else. He knew what the feeling deep inside him that he had lived with for years was now. He finally recognized it for what it was, namely, a deep, aching loneliness. More accurately, the absence of Lena McCorskova in his life. And now he had her, and he was finally going to be content. He laughed out loud and barged down the ramp like a drunken man, staggering with the shifting of the boat and the ruckus in his heart.
He clasped hands and then embraced in a bear hug each of his old friends. Then he came to Lena. His eyes swiftly ran down her face and her body, and then they moved into a close, strong hug. As they parted, he noticed a glint of gold on her finger. He stared at it, as it revealed itself to be a ring. John lifted up his hand, laughing as he showed off his own matching ring, and stated, “Married last August! What a surprise, eh? That she chose an old ruffian like me.”
For a couple seconds, no one moved. Then he replied, slowly and carefully, “Well. That is a surprise. I had no idea. Congratulations.” They closed in around him, and the group began to walk up towards the town.
That night, there was a returning party at the MacCutcheon home. Many old friends had gathered once they heard the news, and at eleven o’clock the party had still not even begun to break up. However, Max took his chance to have a few private words with Lena once most of the others had started to feel the effects of the beer that had been consumed all evening, and they slipped out into the night. He asked, “Mind if we walk while we talk?” She nodded, and they went out onto a path leading into the woods that started at the back of their property.
They walked in silence for a while, and then Maxwell began to speak. He had some difficulty finding what words he wanted, though, and just choked out some garbled words. He was trying to form his thoughts into coherent words, when Lena spoke up. “Max…Please don’t say ‘I love you’ because if you do, that will make everything I’ve done be pointless, useless, and impossible to take back. I’ve married, made a name for myself under his name, and begun to really live life. And if you say you love me, that will turn all my plans upside down and then I have no idea what I’d do.” “But Lena…” he murmured, “That’s all that I can think of to say…”
He grabbed her in a tight embrace, kissed her on the lips, she returned it for a moment, then broke away sobbing. She started to run, losing her shoes in a mad dash to stay ahead of him. Her pale skin seemed to glow in the darkness. He chased her through the forest, and then they broke out into a field. There was a ring of stones standing in the middle, and a hole leading down into the earth at a slope. She dashed through the ring, and swiftly ran down into the hole. He followed a couple seconds behind. Once inside the hole, he witnessed her beating on a stone table, crying out “Father! Mother! Please! Let me come back to the fold! I realize now this was a mistake! I am not meant for life among mortals, for love! Please, let me return!” Her hair was flying about like in a high wind, and her eyes were sparking brighter than he had ever seen them before. When nothing happened, and she saw that he had followed her down into the cave, she cried out and pushed past him, knocking him into the wall. He recovered, and raced out to follow her.
As they reached the other side of the field, he became aware of a dull roaring. The Great Drain, the waterfall which all the mountain streams gathered to supply. They drew closer and closer, until she was standing on a large stone at the edge of the river. “Please, Lena…just come with me, we can try to make it alright,” he begged. “No! No! Stay away!” she shouted to make herself heard over the roar of the waterfall. “Stay back! Don’t come any closer!” she cried as she shuffled backward to match his forward pace. “I don’t want-“ Her words were cut off as she slipped on the wet rock, and fell into the river. He lunged forward, grabbed at her hand, pulled it out of the water and saw that he was gripping a branch. He looked down the river, saw her floating for one last second, then she went over the waterfall. Though he knew he was too late to save her, he jumped in after her anyway.

I Need It So Badly (Makes You Want To Laugh Out Loud At The Look On My Face When I Get It)

I'm wondering if you're like me
Do you spend your nights and warm summer days
Wondering why you stopped caring?
I think I know why, it's because we don't have a drug
Something to take away the sting of life
And when we can't feel that sting anymore
We know we've gone too far
I have no idea where I am, or how I got here
But I don't like it, so let me go

Question for everyone who has a little light shining inside
I think I turned mine off a long time ago
Is there any way I can get it back on?
Because there's bullets in my soul
And sadness in my heart
It's bad news but true, the combination of the two
Is tearing my mind apart
I need to tell someone, "just let me go" but I don't know who
Freedom could be what I need, I have no idea
I've never been free

Give me a drug
Give me some love
Give me a life
My hands are weak, my body is shaking
I don't know if I could stand being happy
But that's what I need, so give it to me
Let me find some new blood
Let my heart beat something other than me
If you don't to do this for me, leave
Cause I can't stand it if I can't have you
And you stay

Maybe on my own I'll feel like I'm free
(But every time I try that, someone ends up caging me)

Monday, June 25, 2007

Give Me A Hug, Sing Me A Song, Rock Me All Night, All Night Long

It's taken me so long to do this
I don't know if I'm awake, I can't even see straight
My heart's beating like a snare drum
Crashing and smashing through my thoughts
I feel nothing, even worse than numb
I'm so afraid that you might go

How am I supposed to do this?
What am I supposed to do?
I don't think life without you is something I can go through
The coffin is standing in the other room
I can smell the flowers from here
I know we only live for a short while
Is it too much to ask to see how quickly I can make it go?

So now I'm walking into the next room
Your family doesn't know who I am
I don't care, I'm cold inside for protection
You look so innocent, so young
So dead. where am I supposed to go now?
What am I supposed to do?
There was a time when life itself was nothing
Compared to what I felt for you
But now you're gone and I'm all alone
I don't know what to do
I'm so tired...is there any way I can follow you?

My lips touch your brow, and my tears start to fall
I stumble away, reach out and grab the wall
The gun is in my pocket, I could end it now
But I can't, I can't, I don't want to
Still, it hurts, and how...
I slide down, sobbing on the floor
My stomach is in pain, I'm curled in a wretched u-shape
I lived for you, now what do I do?
Do you really want me to see this through?
I breathed in time with your breath, lived inside your heartbeat
I'm all alone now
I have to keep living...but what can I do?
How on earth can I live without you?
I can't end my life, so I'll just fade away
A shadow of a man, dying in obscurity
Because then I'll be living again (when I'm dead, up there with you)

I don't know how to do this
I don't even know exactly what I'm supposed to do
But I guess I have no choice, I'm gonna see this through (for you)