I'm the dirt inbetween your toes...

there's a million reasons for everything to turn out right
and a life and a world and a universe that simply doesn't care
but i still believe in a world just past my senses
a walk around a dark corner into what you think is there
and i still believe in love
and i still believe in you
i'll always believe in truth, even if i can't tell what's true

have you read the story God wrote about us?
i haven't either
but i heard it's a thriller
a drama and a romance
a suspense and a mystery
but the biggest one is how it's gonna end

and this might be a blow
but i can't promise anything
just give you my word that i will do the best i can
in this ever changing world
i can be the walking stick you support yourself with
be the dirt underneath your feet
and while i can't say i'll never break upon a stone
or collapse under your feet
i swear i'll do my best to hold fast
to hold fast for you

[And I will only lie down
by the fire with you, my love
I will only lie down with you]

Italicized life

i'm feeling like the victim of a train-hit-and-run
staring aimlessly in wonder into the rainbow-tinged sun
you want to fall in love? no
you want to fall in real love
true love
the kind that hurts the worst when it's taken away

i'm feeling like the victim of having her taken away
like the hero of a story that's unfortunately gone awry
like maybe the author wasn't quite awake
and stupidly wrote in a bad mistake

i'm feeling like a druggie when he realizes he's stoned
and behind the wheel
with no time to heal
and his love's life in his hands
and the backseat of the car

It's cold, but my blood is boiling

someday i'm going to burn this town down
right down to the ground
and hope it takes my old life with it too
because what i'm doing is just walking toward my breaking point
and every step takes me a little farther from you

i've tried and tried and tried and tried and failed to see the point
in what i'm doing here
every single heartbeat just shakes my life a little farther apart
every single breath just pushes at my sanity
and it's such a beautiful day, not quite the kind for a mental breakdown
it's cool and the air is crisp
the sky is bluer than i've ever seen it before
and i can't stand it, i'm closing the door
and drawing the blinds so i won't see it anymore

but you call me up
and plead with me
i guess i might be alright
if you'd come over and spend the night
and tell me i'm okay
and it'll all turn out good in the end
that's what i need to hear the most, you know

Eden and Us

Earlier this night I took my dog for a run/walk. We ran for a while, then turned around and walked home. As it was already a warm night, I was fairly hot and sweaty when we got back home. I opened up the gate into the backyard, and we walked around the perimeter. When we got to the other side of the house, I stopped for a moment at the fan for the air conditioner. I put my head over it and let it blow warm air into my face for a few moments. Then, looking around, I took off my shirt and hopped up onto the air conditioner. It was a beautiful night, and the stars were shining brightly compared to what they usually are in the city. I let the air play around me, drying and wiping away the sweat and easing my tiredness.

I think this is something everyone can relate to. Some deep part of them is still lonely for Eden, for a world free from harm, where it's possible to walk naked without either emotional or physical protection or armor, and still be unhurt. Just imagine it...a place where it was possible to live the world with all of your senses and all of your emotions. No car exhaust or concrete to numb the senses, no hate or hostility to numb the emotions. Being free to live in the moment, to experience and taste everything without fear of making a mistake and venturing where you should not go. Is this what we gave up for the knowledge of good and evil? Did we really sacrifice Eden for the chance to make it on our own, to make our own mistakes?

If we are God's children, was that our teenage years? Or were they even only the pre-teen rumblings, the beginnings of testings of authority? Perhaps that was even as little as the crawling of a one year old where its parent had firmly told it "No, Do Not Go There".

The quest for maturity is not meaningless. If the human race does not grow, flourish and mature as individuals, how can it as a whole? Are we really trying to be the best we can be, or are we content with being slightly better than we strictly need to be? Somehow, a global collapse into anarchy and indulgence instantly appears repugnant. On the other hand, it is barely possible to visualize a world that thinks clearly, without infighting and hostility. Still...one of these must be a goal to aim for, and it only remains up to each person to decide which they will personally try to attain.

Together, the word "future" is irrelevant

{I wrote this for Maggie <3}

if you feel like an adventure
i'd suggest you come with me
we could sleep out in the countryside
and bath in the morning dew
walking down a lonely road with my guitar on my back
and your hand in mine
if heaven and hell decide that it's time to collect their dues
we'll hide out under a tree
until God sends all his angels after us
and play hide and seek

if i ever decide to go back and finish school
you can tell me about your day
and i'll sing you a song about mine
with our worn-out clothes in a worn-down house
and my pick striking rusty strings
i'll try to tell you just how i feel
and maybe strike a chord from deep inside your soul
and we can play out a song of how it's supposed to be

you
& me

I'm protecting my protector, who in turn protects me...

oh, how cruel
are these unbreakable rules
that say i cannot cross the distance between us in a way
that'd only take a second
barely any time at all
'till i was snug up close beside you
and we were leaning on the wall
pretending the world just didn't matter
but then again it didn't to us
i can't believe it's true you love me
i haven't known the truth too much

but now you're here, and i have no fear
because your heart is pumping fire in my chest
no longer afraid of walking into the dark
or into the light
or into death, or into a fight
because my body is being moved by your heart
it now is sacred; nothing can rip or tear it apart

"No, really, I am trying to make this work"

now i sort of hate to say this but you look like a slut
but why are you sad? did that hurt too much?
i don't want to hurt you but i hate to lie
i don't want to leave anyone questioning what i've said once i die
so forget all the that i said that started with "i try"
when all's said and done it was probably a lie

but the night sky is so bright
and the stars are shining down
kind of makes me forget what's going on around me
if you want me to, i can tell you a truth
or i can make myself useful and help you out

[you're all that's standing between my happiness
and a total lack of expectations for myself]

Everything else is just distracting us from us

i had the same dream i always do last night
except this time i was awake
and it was really happening
i have to tell you all, my dear dear friends
even if your hope is past the expiration date
don't give up, just reach out to the sky
because dreams can never die
they just fall asleep

and here we are, you and me
waiting for our hearts to beat, and life to start
lying in the dark
my darling, it's an adventure
(i can't tell you how much i'm enjoying this)
my sweetheart, it's an adventure
(i never want to let go of your hand)
i can almost feel your heart about to beat, your breath about to begin
(my sunshine in a dark room.
we're an adventure)

Hotel de heartbreak

i have to say
i think this is the best time of my life
but i'm not sure, i've never been awake like this before

and you showed up at my back door last night
and i let you in because you said you needed a place to stay
don't you know, i think i would have let you in anyway

and this is the best time of my life
you can see it in my eyes in the photographs you took
that i've never been awake before

we played scrabble until the early morning hours
when you said you needed to go to sleep; you had a job in the morning
i made a bed up on the couch, and told you to go into my room and sleep there
i never went to sleep, i just got up and made you breakfast

is this the best time of your life?
i'm sure it's the best part of mine
i don't think it was ever possible to see my heart beating by looking in my eyes before

please come back, i'm waiting here for you
i'm leaving my back door unlocked
the key to my heart is under the mat

[and that was the best time in my life
when i woke up and it felt alright
to be making breakfast for someone else
and having morning conversation in the house
so please come back, i'm still waiting
just passing the time keeping memories from degrading]

I can't tell the difference between "best friend" and "girl friend" any more..

i can't say no and i can't say yes
you're the focus of my gravity and life
and it's throwing me out of orbit, making me a mess
so i'll just say
"i want to touch your skin
i want to say i care
i want to let you know that i don't want to leave you alone
i want to be the light in your darkness
the fuel keeping your fire burning
the guide who carries the torch"

and i know it's late and i should be getting to bed
but i can't sleep with you in my head
you know i can't sleep with you in my head (and you like that don't you?)

Poem for a friend.

honey, i have something to say
when i was a young boy i rode away
riding my bike, to catch a sunset one night
but it died before i caught it, and i rode home again
and when i was a little older
i lived my life looking for a sunset in human form
for a pretty girl like you
but none of them were right

but then you found me

so open the windows and turn out the lights
and let the night come in
we're just waiting here for life to catch up to us
hold my hand and never let go

[i'm afraid, i'm afraid to say
but as long as you never leave me
my fear has no reason to stay]

Life isn't easy. Unquote.

can you see this mask i am wearing?
can you tell it's a latex version of your face?
do you like what you see?
do you see you in me?
do you like what you see?

and last night in bed my wife told me that when i die
she'd like my skull to keep on a shelf
and i said that was fine with me
i won't be using it for a while anyway
and it'll look good if she polishes daily
maybe even almost pretty

yesterday in work
my boss said to me
"steve, my life isn't easy
no, it isn't easy to be me"
we meditated on this a moment, i said, "sir, i'm sure you're right"
then he left the building, and i saw him drive away in his ferrari
and as i drove away in my uncle's breaking down cadillac
i thought, you know, i think i prefer being me

[photographs, photo-halfs
and the guard didn't take my i.d.
and he refused to let me through
if i manage to catch a plane, maybe i can get to you
it's not hard to be me, but it's sure not easy]

The forecast said there was a storm coming, then you pulled in the driveway.

loving you is like pulling my own teeth
and once i pop one out, i just can't stop
till the blood is dripping out of my mouth
and remember whatever i said to you that night
i probably only meant it halfway
and i don't even remember if that's half good or half bad

nobody likes a change of mind
and no one likes a fool
well i'm both of those
so ((me + dislike*2) + me) is the equation
if i tried i could prove it true, even though i'm not sure what rule to use

i've always wanted to believe in stories
i've always wanted to believe that if it's true on your side
then it has to work out on her's
but i didn't realize stories aren't guarantees
they're more or less just lies and fakes

Happy birthday, i already ate your cake

now i'm a scummy man who can't sleep a blink
but as the ladies on the corner know, i can't help but wink
and there's a dream just 'round the corner
and a headache in my ear
i wish i was on the highway
i wish you were here

i feel like i'm mailing you postcards
from the other side of the room
you think that bananas are funny
and giggle at the word "womb"
(wombat)

and i heard my ex telling you that i change when the sun goes down
when the lights turn off, and heads whirl around
i heard her telling you not to trust me with your life
or your wallet or your keys
and not to give in if i come crawling on bending knees
well don't listen to her honey, she's just bitter
and doesn't know what hit her
and still doesn't realize she broke up with me, not the other way around

"Arg, this is so complicated"

i dropped the egg timer of fate
and now i'm slipping on the sands of time
that are spread all over my kitchen floor
this is a complicated, not very clear way of saying
i fess up, i messed up, i have regrets too you know
my apologies to you if you have grievances against me
but look, i'm sweeping up all the sand
and dumping it outside
tossing my problems where they deserve to go
i'm not impressed by them; no, i'm not scared
i don't know what you've heard, but it probably wasn't what i've been telling myself

"you're tall, you're tall
you have good hair, well fitting underwear
you're lucky in this life, who wouldn't want to be you?"
besides me, right?

Ever get the feeling you're stuck in the backseat of your own life?

no. it's. okay
i understand you didn't do it for the blood or the fame
but it was my life, and it was getting better than it had ever been before
and i've forgiven you as best i ever will
so don't try hitting me up with apologies
because the northern lights are shining
and our backseat night is almost ending
let's make this feel so right that it stops being wrong

and would it hurt so much to come clean?
lying to me is like lying to yourself
if you're doing that you're weaker than i ever thought
where's the girl i found inside
underneath the headaches and the crossed lines
the person who was surprised she'd even tried

let's make this happen just one last time
then we can forget about each other after we say goodbye

You think it's really just suspicion that tells you everything was said without you?

i can't believe you still believe in love
i know i stopped a long time ago
life is easier on your own
life is harder when you try to build your own home
life is just weird when i look at my reflection in the leaf-full pond
and realize it was you i was missing for the last 10 years

well, just forget about me changing my mind
i did that too much before i grew up
and set myself in stone (so no one could hurt me any more)
if you complain that i never let my guard down
it's just 'cause i've never liked getting stabbed in the back
by the person who was watching me while i slept
that just isn't how i want to live
not at all

[you make me feel so small
it's like you're taking away the best part of me
and putting it into your life
let me go let me go let me go
just give up, let me go
let me go let me go]

You think it's really just suspicion that tells you everything was said without you?

i can't believe you still believe in love
i know i stopped a long time ago
life is easier on your own
life is harder when you try to build your own home
life is just weird when i look at my reflection in the leaf-full pond
and realize it was you i was missing for the last 10 years

well, just forget about me changing my mind
i did that too much before i grew up
and set myself in stone (so no one could hurt me any more)
if you complain that i never let my guard down
it's just 'cause i've never liked getting stabbed in the back
by the person who was watching me while i slept
that just isn't how i want to live
not at all

[you make me feel so small
it's like you're taking away the best part of me
and putting it into your life
let me go let me go let me go
just give up, let me go
let me go let me go]

This is a song that i sing, i've just forgotten the tune and most of the words..

right now both our lives are pretty well messed up
so why don't you give me love
and some fascination or addiction
something to keep me moving for
i've been alone before
i've been alone most of the time
i'm never going back there
open up your door, i'm coming in

there has to be some way of getting away from myself
because i have irrational fears
like the fear of school spirit, and the fear of teenagers
and everything connected with the worst (and most formative)
years of my life
i just don't fit in and i guess i never did
because who else would spare a mosquito if it hadn't bitten you?
i guess these examples don't make any sense
but i still have these feeling that i'm so far away from my homeland
and all my life i've roamed
far from home (all alone)

[and even though it was a mistake
i loved you first
though it was not my place
the scars on my heart from youthful hurt
are not something time can erase
...but that's okay by me]

Tell me that you don't care, 'cause i don't

forgive me for saying this
but you guys were my worst friends
old buddies, almost enemies
if you want me to forgive you, you should show me why it'd be worth it
good-byes are something i make sure not to regret
(but here you come telling me i should ours...)

welcome to your summer of memories
and things you wish you could forget
remembrances better left deleted
friends that left you for better things and paper wings
who didn't know if you were happy or dead
do you remember them with your heart or just your head?