Safe Heart

I work at a bank. I wake up every morning, brush my teeth, get dressed, catch a bus, go to work. Every morning, every day. It seems I do nothing but work.

But I have a secret. I know a secret. It has to do with the bank.

Deep in the basement, where the safes are, there is one certain one that I'm sure hasn't been opened in a very long time.

And I know what's inside.

It's a tiny heart.

A teeny tiny heart.

I hear it beating sometimes when I walk past the safe it's in. Sometimes it will be beating quietly, and I'll crane my head and jam my ear up against the safe. Then I hear it beating...whoosh...bloosh...whoosh...bloosh...

Maybe that isn't the sound it makes, but I'm not sure how to explain what it sounds like with onomatopoetic words. If you want a more solid explanation, it sounds like your lover's heart when you're lying on the couch with your head on his chest. That's what it sounds like when it's quiet. When it's loud, it sounds like your own heart does when you suddenly realize you're in trouble, and have to run.

This is a very secure bank; nothing has ever been stolen from it ever. I don't know who is keeping their heart here, but it won't get stolen either. I kind of feel sorry for whoever it belongs to, though. I think they forgot about it; who would lock their heart up in a safe, in the bank where I work, every morning, every afternoon, and some evenings too?

WUIEEC {Writing Under The Influence Of E. E. Cummings}

but the thing is she said its never too late to say goodbye
because you can always go back and you never have to acc-
ept what's going on; just deny deny deny because it's never too late to say good bye
and you can't stop being friends and hanging out just because someone died,, and who
is the cynic is this situation? idon'twanttobe one, i'm a [happy] person
not cynical at all, just frustrated
yes, frustrated is the word
frustrated with everything that's all around me fluttering and breathing and smothering
like the moths in my closet or the mice in my head that remind me everything isn't alright
and i'm sick of catchphrases catching people and bypasses letting people bypass the ugly truth,
that the truth is beautiful. and you just don't know what beauty is
liar liars liar lied to me, they lied to me :(

I never said I was unhappy (youjustheardmemoaninginmysleeplikeabulletsinmybellyandillnevergetitout)

so come on lets break free she
said to me no i said to her She wouldnt listen
she was having too much fun (i said
lets not have fun im too tired for fun and anyways i dont think its that much fun but She) said no wait
stop
listen
can't you hear what the people are saying [all the sounds their making]
that's the beat of life
the love and death the daily strife

and i said i don't like it much lets go live by the sea
but She said she liked the city better because there you never have to sleep

and i said i like sleeping in so i dont have to deal with sin
She said she said she said it was alright (that lovers have different tastes sometimes)
She kisses my tears when i happen to cry but she doesnt know how it makes me want to die} or just not care {about the things i happen t|o

i try to Block It Out but i cant leave Her behind
and im wondering how i can survive On The Other Side

Cyclical

Sometimes she feels like the cycle will never end
And it's all a misguided attempt that never should have begun
Sometimes she feels like cutting her throat
In her search for a better life

And this is just your favorite song on repeat
It'll fade until you're deaf to the sound
The chords get too familiar and the verses all blend
You can't even tell it's there, when it once was your best friend

I need you so much closer
So much closer
I need you so much, closer
So much, closer
I need you so, much closer
So, much closer
I need you, so much closer
I need my space
So much space
I need, you so much, closer
(Closer)

Epic Romance In A Photobooth

lover it's our last honeymoon night
or maybe the first and i just forgot
but whether or not i'm wrong or i'm right
i have something for you to do for me
duct tape my wrists and do it behind my back
roll me over and press my face into the pillow
make me think you're really gonna do it this time
make me feel like you'll finally set me free

whenever i wake up in a dark room
i wonder if it's heaven, and i look and see you
and think it must be earth
because you're all i'll stay behind for
but i need a hand to stroke my face
some lips to keep me believing there's good in this place
a body pressed against mine to help me forget
all the fairness, free will
this ridiculous shit
i can't breath, you're not smothering me
the only air i'll take in is what you exhale into me

handcuff me to a tree and blindfold my eyes
touch me all over and do it all day
then when the night falls uncover my eyes
and let me see the stars for once
tell me it's the end and cuddle with me while i smile
just drown me in the ocean while the angels sing their song
bury me in the sand and mark it as my home

Let's Get On A Ship And Get Out Of Here

I had a dream late just last night
We were lovers put together and pulled in close and tight
Our bodies fused at the heart, hip and shoulder
A freak of medicine, and a miracle of love
Someone sighing from the apartment above

And then we jumped

And when the police found the note it simply stated that
'there is no love or properpuntuation in this hellhole thatwecallanation'

and it was not reported on your local news
So the smiling faces wouldn't lose their glow
as they briefly murmured the news and said it's such a shame
those filthy hypocrites
I bet they never knew our name

Photo Albums have it right.

Where on earth (or off it) did innocence go? What happened? When did this life appear?

I can remember back before evil and sin tainted every moment of my life. Back when the plants were greener, everyone was friendly, and there was nothing bad in the world. Back before there was politics, and people being cruel and hating people they'd never met in their lives. Before we destroyed each other incessantly and did unimaginable things to innocents. Before there was a world built up around sex, and sex itself was just a concept. When no one swore, and hearts hadn't begun to harden.

What happened to those days? They seem to have disappeared entirely, beyond any chance of returning.

Do you remember them too? Do you remember the tickle of the wet grass on your arms and your cheeks as you lay on the lawn with your best friend in the whole wide world? The running in and out of everyone's house as you pleased; the lemonade and the homemade cookies..? What about summer storms where the sky filled with white clouds, which then turned grey, and then darker, darker, darker until they were black, and finally exploded out, flooding the street and soaking everything. Did you run out and play in the rain? Did you burst out of the house in bare feet and no coat, or did your mother make you dress up in boots, rubber jacket, and then handed you an umbrella as you left the house? Or maybe you just sat in the living room, watching the storm through open windows, deeply drawing in the fresh, wet air. And the 4th of July! All the families in the neighborhood gathering on the one streetcorner, the mothers sitting on lawn chairs with the littlest babies on their laps, and everyone else running around waving sparklers, while the fathers placed a firework safely in the middle of the street, calmly lit it, and then dashed back for cover as fast as they could. Whenever one of the firecrackers that flashed the bright white light and screamed went off, everyone would wince and put their hands over their ears. There were popscicles enough for everyone, and it would go on until the policeman drove through and told us we weren't allowed to light fireworks here. Then one or two of the braver dads would light a few more, and then it was off to bed. And in the fall all the trees were more beautiful than any painting, and there were huge piles of leaves in every yard. And in the winter it snowed a huge amount, and you would run out in blizzards for snowball fights and cave building.

What happened?

When did the world get this much colder, this much more complex? It went from your grandma's house with cookies and milk to your grandma's house where you argue about things with your relatives. Why did this happen? When did growing up mean getting burnt out?

Burn the Books.

This is the story of my life
but you, unlucky reader
have only found a paragraph
Ripped out from the rest

and the thesis sentence of it is simply stated

I'm just getting what I deserve
Don't give me water to quench the flames
They're just doing their job
And I don't regret any of this
Just what led up it to
No, I don't feel like I'm being robbed
I feel like I gave my possessions directly to the thieves
And I don't have the excuse of not knowing what to believe
I knew damn well the whole f--king time

But now I'm just lying here
With nothing left for me
Don't bother calling a rescue team
They would only be doing what they shouldn't be
Just give up on me, and do your best to forget
I've already lost this race;
I made myself unwelcome in this blessed place

Don't get angry at the judge or jury
For I was not condemned
And I never walked out on any of you
It's just when you've been lost by your own hand
It's hard to stay a friend

Land...?...no...

Now here's the part where I confess
I'm all alone, adrift and lost at sea
I'm nothing but the image of the person I want to be
Superimposed on regrets and a blank black screen
Can somebody grab my head and push me under
Hold me down until the bubbles falter
Keep me down a little longer for good luck

I've lied to everyone about who I am
I've even spewed out shit at myself
For a while there, I almost believed it too
But now I've woken up and realized
I'm really just lost at sea
A hot horizon going on endlessly
It'll be a holiday when I go over the edge
On the map of my life it says 'here be dragons'
I think I know how they get that way

How can anyone else forgive me
When they've already done it once, twice, three times over
Or six or twelve or a hundred
Somebody take a picture of my sinking ship
So the newspapers will be able to say just where he went down
And the obituary can tell everyone why he isn't around

The dust in your eyes is just your ashes in the wind

Let's play hide and seek
chained to the bedpost and drowning in white linen seas
no one will ever find our bodies
or the messages we cast out in bottles
you whisper something quiet and sweet that I can't catch
you're so far on the other side of the bed
I just mouth back that I love you
and you seem satisfied

and they don't care a bit
they don't care a bit

Let's try to find the hider
let's discover what has been covered up
by blankets and lies
darling, pull me closer
fuse us together so we never have to let go
and are closer forever than the tightest hug
Our bodies overlapping and minds interweaving
Our age of innocence just beginning to fall
the busy streets of life just starting to weary us
so young
Run your fingers down my back and wake me up as you put me to sleep
The question occurs if my father ever felt like this
felt this
How many felt this kind of touch before
How many were stroked by their lover early in the morning with the shades down
and how many realized what they were feeling
and how many refused to believe it, and ended up not caring one bit

0000003.

I thought I could make it on my own
But all I could do was head back home
the same old place i'd tried to burn right down
I think maybe I'm a little bit jealous
of people who don't matter any more and memories without me in them
life tarnishes your heart until you can't bring yourself to use it
then it breaks, and you go on for a little while without life
trying to figure out how to make things whole

i think that Maybe over time we can figure out how to do both
Forgive and Forget
or at the very least forgive the deeds we've done to each other
Before we forget who did them

I have to confess, somedays I confess
and spill out my sins to nothing but air
just vomit myself out into a vacuum
They can't forgive you or acknowledge you at all
Just suck you in and make you feel small
grind you down until you feel like you're not really anything at all

I need some more time to figure out how to run out of time and feel good about it
I need to feel good about it
I need it

Coming up with titles for these things is really hard

i have a question for everyone who has an answer
tell me how i can deal with this
tell me how i can hold back my anger
tell me how i can kill the tension
the phone calls and the arguments
the long drives home just to explain

and i have another question when you're done pondering the first
how do i keep myself under control
how do i hold back from making more regrets
how do i prove to myself that i know what's right and who i am
and where we belong
and for just how long

I feel like I have to explain something to you
I'm not really intolerant
And I'm not really an ass
I'm just one confused mess
Who you get to see at his worst and best
And who wants to get home for the holidays
and wants to be all alone
and wants someone to tell him how sick he is so he'll know how to get better

The dew on the grass looked like diamonds in the moonlight, and we both knew they'd never break.

Wake up darling
I think I hear something outside
It's the sound of the stars singing
and the sound of hearts breaking
and love making
And broken streetlights flickering
sometimes the difference between sight and sound escapes me

Babe let's run away to a city undersea
let's go somewhere where we could never be
like on the surface of the moon, or the jungles of Africa
or the top of a mountain where the air is hard to breathe
How about we show them that love is still oft seen
how about we take a picture and develop the photograph of our dream

Lullaby

Come sleep with me/Come dream with me/Come lock your heart away/Turn out the lights lighting up your mind/And pull the blinds out on the day/And we can sleep/And we can dream/And we can try to find/The particle of truth that lies/Somewhere deep inside

And restlessly turning/Silently lying/Your arm across me, my face next yours/Our sleep and our dreams open no doors/But we wait in the dark till the sky starts to fall/And we'll try hard to notice anything at all/A little glimmer of light/A harmonic of sound/A vague breath of air/The feel of the ground

And the dirt inbetween our toes/And the stuff that we all know we don't know/We'll sleep and we'll dream and we'll start to cry/Because we now know now, now we know why

Red-Light Love Letter

Darling I have to admit
My will and goodness are shit
I cannot do the right thing, I fail when I don't
expect to stray at all

what can be the heart of love
when it fails me occasionally?
styro-foam or dead autumn leaves?
maybe a broken eggshell, or an eulogy
something found amongst the dark

This is an apology to the person I love the most
but also to the rest of you
I wish I could say that I'll show you the way
but I'm just lost as well
just wandering wondering looking around
trying to discover the good in the sound
of my feet crunching through frozen dirt
and your heart beating through the hurt
if i could make this all make sense i would
you know that as well as i do

But it doesn't make sense, and neither do i
when the things I love force me to cry
it Isn't supposed to be hard like this
I'm not supposed to imagine anyone else's kiss
so make my thoughts come out right
drag them into the Day and out of the Night
try to inject some static into this show
try to show me where i should be, and who i should go

Sleep slow soft

I can feel the chemicals rising
hormones floating to my brain
feeling on top of the world
and you

let's pretend this will never end
this high on love, this grey black dove
this gift that isn't given, just born with

and we sit around and discover our potential
tell me I mean as much to you as you do to me
let's prove it incorrect that we're our own greatest enemy

and wake up and discover it was all a dream
alone in our heads
asleep in our beds
a puppet show that fell in love
nothing matters much to your best friends
and you realize it suddenly and hit restart again

The greatest theft.

the Colours around us are soft and dreamlike
and the air is warm
the stars are out floating in the sky, and fireflies flutter around through the air
Maybe this is where I forget who i am
tonight we'll be protected by the world
Mother Nature and God the Father have to have some sentimentality in their hearts
They just have to keep us safe for tonight
in a place where we can pretend nothing matters
Except each other

And the sound of your breath and its warmth on my cheek
and the taste of your mouth and the touch of your fingers on my back

Let's go to sleep in the grass, and wake up when it starts to rain
And run inside and warm up and dry off by the fire
Somewhere out there is God, we'll find him together

you can almost hear the chorus of angels in the chirping of crickets
And smell the freshness of new life in the scent of the pine trees

Please take me away from life and from pain
Take me away from the madness and feelings I can't explain
tie me up and steal me away
Snatch me from my family and friends
till we die in our arms paradise won't end

I smashed my radio when it wouldn't turn off, but the music still kept playing.

If God left us alone with photographs of him
some would say they were fake and some would kill their own kin
Some would hold true and believe they were real
most would let the wounds bleed and not cared if they healed

If I could convince myself to step up to the stage
and turn on the mic and lift it to my lips
I would tell you all you're shameful liars
and to pack away the garbage you've been speaking
trash and filth pushing past your lips
Lock your secrets back up in the case where they belong
don't tell me I'm not right when I know that I'm not wrong

It gets so hard to take the pressure and the stress
i'm so sick to death of this multi-layered mess
Have you seen my lover? she said she'd meet me here
and come back to take away the pain
or at least let me forget again

I swear I'll love you more if you'll reject me less
And I promise I'll forgive you if you admit that there's a mistake
A tear in the fabric of your warm soft reality
that shows it's stuffed with snow; the stitches are just icicles.

Wake me up just to tell me you love me and I won't count lost sleep as a bad thing.

You're the one who's bleeding
But I still can't help feeling pain
It shoots through me and rips me apart
Pressure builds in my head and makes the tear ducts start
to give up the watery jewels they hide

When you wake up ill all alone and shaking
You've no idea how close my heart is to breaking
It's shuddering, muttering, but no one can see
How the damage done to you damages me
I just want to tell them it hurts
And somebody please give you some pills
That will do something this time

Do something that will save you
And keep meaning in the dance the stars make over our heads

Give love meaning besides itself
Nurse you back to a comfortable health

I need strength to get through my days
And you need it to give to me
But I swear on my blood that pumps through my veins
Someday we'll be far away and free
In each other's arms, alone and happy
Like on a desert island, just you and me

[i can feel the sand brushing up against my body
and the tropical sunlight warm on my skin
and your hair trailing over me as you kiss my face...]

The Lake of Tears is in Northern Wisconsin

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?
Can you tell me why your hair isn't brushed and your plants aren't watered
Why the paper hasn't been brought in for the last five days
And why I see no light in your dull blank gaze
Can you tell me why you have been so very sad?

'i feel an overwhelming desire not to be here
an unfulfillable wish to be in better times
when the snow came down cool and thick
and God was close by
in the air i breathed
and the thoughts i thought
in everything i felt and saw'

Can you tell me why the tears no longer come?

'i have no more left to cry'

Can you explain to me why you lack the courage to die?

'death isn't courage, it's just a mistake
living is good until you die, then it's just like falling in love for the first time'

Can you tell me why you live under rainclouds and in the spaces between dead leaves on your lawn?

'my darling, you died
stop asking me questions, i cried
and now i'm living for those days in your car
when i drove all day
and you drove all night
and we spent our time searching for the place where they keep the better life
now i've realized the search was it all along'

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?