0000003.

I thought I could make it on my own
But all I could do was head back home
the same old place i'd tried to burn right down
I think maybe I'm a little bit jealous
of people who don't matter any more and memories without me in them
life tarnishes your heart until you can't bring yourself to use it
then it breaks, and you go on for a little while without life
trying to figure out how to make things whole

i think that Maybe over time we can figure out how to do both
Forgive and Forget
or at the very least forgive the deeds we've done to each other
Before we forget who did them

I have to confess, somedays I confess
and spill out my sins to nothing but air
just vomit myself out into a vacuum
They can't forgive you or acknowledge you at all
Just suck you in and make you feel small
grind you down until you feel like you're not really anything at all

I need some more time to figure out how to run out of time and feel good about it
I need to feel good about it
I need it

Coming up with titles for these things is really hard

i have a question for everyone who has an answer
tell me how i can deal with this
tell me how i can hold back my anger
tell me how i can kill the tension
the phone calls and the arguments
the long drives home just to explain

and i have another question when you're done pondering the first
how do i keep myself under control
how do i hold back from making more regrets
how do i prove to myself that i know what's right and who i am
and where we belong
and for just how long

I feel like I have to explain something to you
I'm not really intolerant
And I'm not really an ass
I'm just one confused mess
Who you get to see at his worst and best
And who wants to get home for the holidays
and wants to be all alone
and wants someone to tell him how sick he is so he'll know how to get better

The dew on the grass looked like diamonds in the moonlight, and we both knew they'd never break.

Wake up darling
I think I hear something outside
It's the sound of the stars singing
and the sound of hearts breaking
and love making
And broken streetlights flickering
sometimes the difference between sight and sound escapes me

Babe let's run away to a city undersea
let's go somewhere where we could never be
like on the surface of the moon, or the jungles of Africa
or the top of a mountain where the air is hard to breathe
How about we show them that love is still oft seen
how about we take a picture and develop the photograph of our dream

Lullaby

Come sleep with me/Come dream with me/Come lock your heart away/Turn out the lights lighting up your mind/And pull the blinds out on the day/And we can sleep/And we can dream/And we can try to find/The particle of truth that lies/Somewhere deep inside

And restlessly turning/Silently lying/Your arm across me, my face next yours/Our sleep and our dreams open no doors/But we wait in the dark till the sky starts to fall/And we'll try hard to notice anything at all/A little glimmer of light/A harmonic of sound/A vague breath of air/The feel of the ground

And the dirt inbetween our toes/And the stuff that we all know we don't know/We'll sleep and we'll dream and we'll start to cry/Because we now know now, now we know why

Red-Light Love Letter

Darling I have to admit
My will and goodness are shit
I cannot do the right thing, I fail when I don't
expect to stray at all

what can be the heart of love
when it fails me occasionally?
styro-foam or dead autumn leaves?
maybe a broken eggshell, or an eulogy
something found amongst the dark

This is an apology to the person I love the most
but also to the rest of you
I wish I could say that I'll show you the way
but I'm just lost as well
just wandering wondering looking around
trying to discover the good in the sound
of my feet crunching through frozen dirt
and your heart beating through the hurt
if i could make this all make sense i would
you know that as well as i do

But it doesn't make sense, and neither do i
when the things I love force me to cry
it Isn't supposed to be hard like this
I'm not supposed to imagine anyone else's kiss
so make my thoughts come out right
drag them into the Day and out of the Night
try to inject some static into this show
try to show me where i should be, and who i should go

Sleep slow soft

I can feel the chemicals rising
hormones floating to my brain
feeling on top of the world
and you

let's pretend this will never end
this high on love, this grey black dove
this gift that isn't given, just born with

and we sit around and discover our potential
tell me I mean as much to you as you do to me
let's prove it incorrect that we're our own greatest enemy

and wake up and discover it was all a dream
alone in our heads
asleep in our beds
a puppet show that fell in love
nothing matters much to your best friends
and you realize it suddenly and hit restart again

The greatest theft.

the Colours around us are soft and dreamlike
and the air is warm
the stars are out floating in the sky, and fireflies flutter around through the air
Maybe this is where I forget who i am
tonight we'll be protected by the world
Mother Nature and God the Father have to have some sentimentality in their hearts
They just have to keep us safe for tonight
in a place where we can pretend nothing matters
Except each other

And the sound of your breath and its warmth on my cheek
and the taste of your mouth and the touch of your fingers on my back

Let's go to sleep in the grass, and wake up when it starts to rain
And run inside and warm up and dry off by the fire
Somewhere out there is God, we'll find him together

you can almost hear the chorus of angels in the chirping of crickets
And smell the freshness of new life in the scent of the pine trees

Please take me away from life and from pain
Take me away from the madness and feelings I can't explain
tie me up and steal me away
Snatch me from my family and friends
till we die in our arms paradise won't end

I smashed my radio when it wouldn't turn off, but the music still kept playing.

If God left us alone with photographs of him
some would say they were fake and some would kill their own kin
Some would hold true and believe they were real
most would let the wounds bleed and not cared if they healed

If I could convince myself to step up to the stage
and turn on the mic and lift it to my lips
I would tell you all you're shameful liars
and to pack away the garbage you've been speaking
trash and filth pushing past your lips
Lock your secrets back up in the case where they belong
don't tell me I'm not right when I know that I'm not wrong

It gets so hard to take the pressure and the stress
i'm so sick to death of this multi-layered mess
Have you seen my lover? she said she'd meet me here
and come back to take away the pain
or at least let me forget again

I swear I'll love you more if you'll reject me less
And I promise I'll forgive you if you admit that there's a mistake
A tear in the fabric of your warm soft reality
that shows it's stuffed with snow; the stitches are just icicles.

Wake me up just to tell me you love me and I won't count lost sleep as a bad thing.

You're the one who's bleeding
But I still can't help feeling pain
It shoots through me and rips me apart
Pressure builds in my head and makes the tear ducts start
to give up the watery jewels they hide

When you wake up ill all alone and shaking
You've no idea how close my heart is to breaking
It's shuddering, muttering, but no one can see
How the damage done to you damages me
I just want to tell them it hurts
And somebody please give you some pills
That will do something this time

Do something that will save you
And keep meaning in the dance the stars make over our heads

Give love meaning besides itself
Nurse you back to a comfortable health

I need strength to get through my days
And you need it to give to me
But I swear on my blood that pumps through my veins
Someday we'll be far away and free
In each other's arms, alone and happy
Like on a desert island, just you and me

[i can feel the sand brushing up against my body
and the tropical sunlight warm on my skin
and your hair trailing over me as you kiss my face...]

The Lake of Tears is in Northern Wisconsin

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?
Can you tell me why your hair isn't brushed and your plants aren't watered
Why the paper hasn't been brought in for the last five days
And why I see no light in your dull blank gaze
Can you tell me why you have been so very sad?

'i feel an overwhelming desire not to be here
an unfulfillable wish to be in better times
when the snow came down cool and thick
and God was close by
in the air i breathed
and the thoughts i thought
in everything i felt and saw'

Can you tell me why the tears no longer come?

'i have no more left to cry'

Can you explain to me why you lack the courage to die?

'death isn't courage, it's just a mistake
living is good until you die, then it's just like falling in love for the first time'

Can you tell me why you live under rainclouds and in the spaces between dead leaves on your lawn?

'my darling, you died
stop asking me questions, i cried
and now i'm living for those days in your car
when i drove all day
and you drove all night
and we spent our time searching for the place where they keep the better life
now i've realized the search was it all along'

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

Limbo

Apparently I have a very good life
and I guess I wouldn't dispute that
but I can't say the same for my self and my soul
and my mind and my heart and my head
Because my days are filled with little things
No big disasters, just tiny misfortunes
That wear away at my mood and my mind
and make me lose my place in time

they're the reason I don't get out of bed
and the reason for the headache spiraling through my head
the letters with words that look flat and dead
but at least I have a chest under my bed

That gives me hope and strength

There's nothing in it that would save the day
and nothing to keep me warm on cold winter nights
Nothing to make me feel any more at home
But pictures of you and strands of your hair
and pieces of clothing that still barely smell of you
They keep part of my heart out of the hurt
and back in the past when we would lie awake all night
and look at the patterns of light on the ceiling, and pretend they meant something
And only we knew what they meant

Silent voices and quiet silences
and the sound of our fingertips telling each other we love the other

The little things still get me down; you always said I was bad at dealing
And the world in general keeps me from healing
But that doesn't mean I can't live with hurt
Memories of us keep it from getting worse

Poem about Things

Life is better than you think it is, and yours is worse than it seems
The poor are the happy when they're not freezing and starving
and the rich and the famous are the tortured and sleepless
when they wake up to what they've done and who they are

I don't think the smell of flowers can save me when it's snowing in my soul
and out on the city streets
Someone out there is wandering through the snow
Wishing there was a home waiting somewhere
I'd give my home to all of them if I knew who I was

[their bodies are broken and so is my mind
broken and breaking, shattering and flying apart
they need a roof over their heads and i need a hand over my heart]

If you think your scars are bad
We can debate and compare
You'll look at my mind and I'll look at your back
We'll make sure that Christmas isn't a deathday
For the homeless, sick and poor
We'll stave off the pain for a few more hours until the wetness from our tears becomes dry

Wishlist

i wish i could open my arms
wide enough to clutch the whole earth to my chest
and i wish i could open my heart
big enough to give a home to everyone who needs it

if only i could expand my sight
far enough to see everything there is
i think that could broaden my mind
great enough to imagine a world with everything at peace
and just exactly how to get there

if i could perk up my ears
good enough to hear every laugh and sob throughout this tragic sphere
i think i could remember them, and match a laugh to every tear

sorrow is only two letters away from sorry
and a world away from joy
but depending on if the glass is half empty or half full
you can turn sorrow into joy or flowers into dirt
a flood into a painting or mix it with the tears of a dying man

i wish i could liven my tongue
enough that it would never be still
and always moving, always speaking
telling the sad people to keep on moving
that there's sunshine around the corner
and life around the block
but it lies dull and mute inside my mouth

someday i'll be able to make myself as free as life
and as far spread as the ocean and the air combined
so no one will cry themselves to sleep with no one to tuck them in at night

A little chat about life and things

maybe tonight we can pretend life was really a fairytale up till now
what do you say to tonight my baby
'cause it's our very first night together as a couple that's married
so tell me that you're all mine now
and tell me that i'm yours just as much as you belong to me
the touch of your hand on my cheek and the taste of your mouth just has to mean something
mean something more than i think it does
let's screw up one more time and see if we've really made as many mistakes as we've said we have

the priest is standing in front of the altar
and now it looks like so are we
it's hard to believe right now if the moment we've been hoping for since we met
but we just said 'i do' and it looks like i won the bet i made against life
that happiness can come more than just once
and we can have as many perfect days as there are in a year

let's get this right this time
let's make believe that there's nothing else in the world besides you and me

[actually, this time
there isn't
it's just you and me together
and time and the world have no place with us]

There's an unlabeled up/down button in this elevator, and I have this feeling it's a metaphor for life

i'd like to give a thank you to everyone who's ever spat in my face
or pushed me down into the mud
and i'd like to welcome every moment that's made me want to change the past
or erase it all outright

you've all made me the person that i am
so every threatening knife was held in an open hand
and all the sadness in the world has made me the happiest man in the land

i'm just trying to make sense out of all this
trying to turn a reversal of fortune into a reason for happiness
and be the way i wanted to be when i had first packed my bags and set out on this journey

Detachment

the scalpel separates my heart from my chest
the surgeon pulls it out through a hole cut in my breast
but i don't bleed
and i won't cry
i'll look death in the face
but i won't die

my lungs deflate
i can breath for once
but my soul i can tell is what the reaper hunts
but i won't let him
and no matter how hard he tries
i'll stare death down
i'll refuse to die

i'll wake up then
in a hospital room
and read the words traced on my arm
by a delicate blade that did no harm
it says 'love hurts
love bleeds
love seeks out lovers
they're what it needs'
i'll clench my fist
and groan in pain
as my stomach is gripped by pain again

'love hurts
love bleeds
lovers might hurt
they might bleed
but still they need
a hand to squeeze during darkest night
someone to tell them they'll be alright
and show them that the morning light
will come with time
it will come with time'

A [very sappy] Poem.

some people said that God is a fraud
or a dirty old man who likes to see us hurt
and some people say that the point of life
is to end up buried in the dirt
with no soul or spirit, just decaying tissue
inert

well, i say that if it's all about sex in the end
then we should all just go get laid right now
and when we're done lift a gun to our brow
and end it before we have a chance to hurt
because there's no point getting hurt if our only repayment is the dark

thank God i don't see the world that way
thank the Lord i think there's a reason for the day
life is better when death only cuts open the body
and lets out the soul
for when you peel the flesh away, each person then is a little more whole
until our Father puts them back together again
point at wars and death, i'll still say He's our friend

and how can you say there's no point to life
when you look at the love between a husband and wife
who were really meant for each other
and no other
just each other

a rhyming poem is a crappy medium
to explain myself and why i feel this way
intoxicated with emotion, i can only jot down poems and wait for the day
that my waiting will be justified
and my longing will be satisfied
and i will take you deep inside
and never let you go

Free

too tired to make any promises
but i swear that i'll think of you all night
i'll keep you in my head til morning
and murmur your name instead of cursing the too early light

and we're free as birds that are locked in a cage
free as two tigers in a zoo
free as the wind that can't make it into space
free as an ocean painted blue

i'll love you til the sands of time blow away
i'll still love you at the end of the next line
if you touch me at all i'll collapse in your arms
i really think that right now that'd be fine

we're free as the water that's froze in a pipe
as free as a couple eloping from life
who haven't yet come of age

as free as a tree in the path of axes
as free as a man with nothing to do but die
i'm caged in this life but my freedom increases
when i'm holding you close
and staring into your eye

Experimenting

which came first, the heartbreak or the heart attack
which came second, the chicken or the egg
who killed the professor, and with what in which room
why is my head so full of mysteries and questions
they won't leave me alone, even though i know they're trivial and pointless
and irrelevant to my situation
i don't even know what it is any more

is a sacrifice love or is it just self inflicted pain
is alcohol a drink or just a drinkable poison
am i a person you can trust or just one you can trust to be untrustworthy
is love the miracle drug or is it the miracle that breaks past drugs

The emo poem.

another day is just another trip through the mud
another piece of daylight with which to write emo poems
all about lonely children looking for their homes
looking for a hero, and looking for their hearts
looking for something that will put them back together after being blown apart
by the natural explosiveness of life

another love is just another hammer that breaks
something else to smash my heart to pieces with
breaking is easy if it's all that you do
i broke myself with an education, religion and video games
and now you
breaking is fun if you get a kick out of being blue

another depression is just a mood swing that doesn't come up
just another one of those ups and downs of life that turns out to only be a down
it's part of all the pressures and part of all the fears
an ingredient in pain and a spice in stress
the background to your life, behind the happiness and color
drop every bad moment in your life and make the impression upon yourself
it's a good thing after all

that message works wherever you want, if you push it in hard enough