Will You Come To My Funeral? (or) Are You My Friend?

Are you my friend? Are you really?

If I was lonely and bored, would you be willing to drop what you're doing and have me over? Even if you were tired, with a killer headache? Would you be okay if I saw you in a public place and snuck up behind you and gave you a big hug? Even if you were with a bunch of people I'd never met? Could you spend an hour on the phone with me and not get bored and try to ditch me? Even if I'm dead tired and lacking in all coherence? Would you lend me $10 and just let the debt slide? Even if it was for some completely useless crap from a garage sale? Would you volunteer with me for whatever, just so I'd have a friendly face to be around? Would you give me the keys to your house? Turn me away if I turned up smashed on your doorstep, or let me in and give me a place to sleep? Be there at any time to talk or just listen, whenever my heart happens to pick up another scratch or ding? Would you come to my funeral? Would you speak at it? Would you come to my wedding? Would you get plastered and slur funny comments into the video camera for us to laugh over years later? Would you consent to be my designated driver, even for the most boring and embarrassing high school reunion ever? Would you go on a cross country trip with me if I called you the day I was leaving? Would you walk to my house to lend me an umbrella during a thunderstorm if I had an errand to do, and my own umbrella was lost? Would you give me your jacket if you saw me shivering, even if it was 5 degrees below freezing and all you had on underneath was a t-shirt and jeans? Would you tell me that you're my best friend, and mean every word of it?

Am I your friend? Really?

I'd be willing to have you over, even if I was in the grip of The World's Worst Migraine. I'd hug you back, even if I was having lunch with my bosses. I'd listen to every sleep deprived word of your raving, and only laugh with you, not at you. I'd give you 2o bucks if I had them, just to help you satisfy one of your whims you ran into at an antique shop. I'd help you clean streets, even if you were just doing it as part of your community service time. I'd give you keys to my house, and the keys to my car if you wanted them. I'd give you a place to sleep, and a meal in the morning no matter what your condition, any time you showed up at my door. I'd try my best to fix every dent your heart gets hit with, no matter when you need me to help. I'd go to your funeral, and if I wasn't crying too hard, I'd get up and lie about how you had no faults whatsoever, and tell the truth about how my life was better every single minute since the moment I met you. I'd go to your wedding, drink champagne by the quart and slur my goodwishes into the video camera, for you to treasure for years to come. I'd be your designated driver even if we were going to a party at the house of a master brewer. If you called me 15 minutes before you were leaving to cross the country, I'd throw together a packback full of clothes and get someone to watch the house and be ready to go before you came to pick me up. I'd take the city bus during a hurricane if you needed someone to go out and get you groceries. And, when I'd show up soaking with a bag of cereal, fruit, beef jerky and milk outside your door, I wouldn't let a word of complaint pass my lips. I'd give you my jacket even if we were boarding a plane in Alaska in winter, if you were cold. Do I really need to tell you that you're my best friend? You're my best friend.