"Arg, this is so complicated"

i dropped the egg timer of fate
and now i'm slipping on the sands of time
that are spread all over my kitchen floor
this is a complicated, not very clear way of saying
i fess up, i messed up, i have regrets too you know
my apologies to you if you have grievances against me
but look, i'm sweeping up all the sand
and dumping it outside
tossing my problems where they deserve to go
i'm not impressed by them; no, i'm not scared
i don't know what you've heard, but it probably wasn't what i've been telling myself

"you're tall, you're tall
you have good hair, well fitting underwear
you're lucky in this life, who wouldn't want to be you?"
besides me, right?

Ever get the feeling you're stuck in the backseat of your own life?

no. it's. okay
i understand you didn't do it for the blood or the fame
but it was my life, and it was getting better than it had ever been before
and i've forgiven you as best i ever will
so don't try hitting me up with apologies
because the northern lights are shining
and our backseat night is almost ending
let's make this feel so right that it stops being wrong

and would it hurt so much to come clean?
lying to me is like lying to yourself
if you're doing that you're weaker than i ever thought
where's the girl i found inside
underneath the headaches and the crossed lines
the person who was surprised she'd even tried

let's make this happen just one last time
then we can forget about each other after we say goodbye

You think it's really just suspicion that tells you everything was said without you?

i can't believe you still believe in love
i know i stopped a long time ago
life is easier on your own
life is harder when you try to build your own home
life is just weird when i look at my reflection in the leaf-full pond
and realize it was you i was missing for the last 10 years

well, just forget about me changing my mind
i did that too much before i grew up
and set myself in stone (so no one could hurt me any more)
if you complain that i never let my guard down
it's just 'cause i've never liked getting stabbed in the back
by the person who was watching me while i slept
that just isn't how i want to live
not at all

[you make me feel so small
it's like you're taking away the best part of me
and putting it into your life
let me go let me go let me go
just give up, let me go
let me go let me go]

You think it's really just suspicion that tells you everything was said without you?

i can't believe you still believe in love
i know i stopped a long time ago
life is easier on your own
life is harder when you try to build your own home
life is just weird when i look at my reflection in the leaf-full pond
and realize it was you i was missing for the last 10 years

well, just forget about me changing my mind
i did that too much before i grew up
and set myself in stone (so no one could hurt me any more)
if you complain that i never let my guard down
it's just 'cause i've never liked getting stabbed in the back
by the person who was watching me while i slept
that just isn't how i want to live
not at all

[you make me feel so small
it's like you're taking away the best part of me
and putting it into your life
let me go let me go let me go
just give up, let me go
let me go let me go]

This is a song that i sing, i've just forgotten the tune and most of the words..

right now both our lives are pretty well messed up
so why don't you give me love
and some fascination or addiction
something to keep me moving for
i've been alone before
i've been alone most of the time
i'm never going back there
open up your door, i'm coming in

there has to be some way of getting away from myself
because i have irrational fears
like the fear of school spirit, and the fear of teenagers
and everything connected with the worst (and most formative)
years of my life
i just don't fit in and i guess i never did
because who else would spare a mosquito if it hadn't bitten you?
i guess these examples don't make any sense
but i still have these feeling that i'm so far away from my homeland
and all my life i've roamed
far from home (all alone)

[and even though it was a mistake
i loved you first
though it was not my place
the scars on my heart from youthful hurt
are not something time can erase
...but that's okay by me]

Tell me that you don't care, 'cause i don't

forgive me for saying this
but you guys were my worst friends
old buddies, almost enemies
if you want me to forgive you, you should show me why it'd be worth it
good-byes are something i make sure not to regret
(but here you come telling me i should ours...)

welcome to your summer of memories
and things you wish you could forget
remembrances better left deleted
friends that left you for better things and paper wings
who didn't know if you were happy or dead
do you remember them with your heart or just your head?

Accidents happen, like me

i'm just a little queasy
i'm just way too cool
i think i might be in trouble
but i think that's better than hope

maybe this was a mistake
maybe i forgot what i was just saying
the prayer i was just praying, or the breath i was just taking
the love i was just creating, or the heart i was just breaking
i can't remember anything lately
i think...i don't know
please, officer, don't ask any more questions
just let me go

Do i look emo to you?

i'm running so fast i might get away
i might crash right through the "the end." that i can see coming up so soon
not soon enough, for us
i just wish you'd remembered, you're not the only one
in this relationship
you're not the captain and all the crew
on this ship
but i'm inviting you to try and read my heart
and tell me where we should go

so excuse me, if i ask you to take your hands off the wheel
i have a talent for reading maps and following directions
but you don't work that way
and i don't want this to happen this way
(the way it's already turning out)

don't tell me it gets easier when you fall in love
because it's like quicksand; the harder you try to get out of it
the more it sucks
and the deeper you fall
it's so easy to notice the bad, and the good is too easy
too easy to forget

come on, make your decision
there isn't a right one you can make, so just hurry up
'cause it doesn't really matter
whichever way you throw my life off track is fine by me
i'm almost sure i don't want you as an enemy
but with you it always goes too far

Another poem about Fall and Time and Love and crap like that

i'm gonna confess, i don't know how to manage my life
and i have no idea who has the trademark on my mind
but i have a feeling it isn't me
is it you dad?
is it the baron of inconsistency
or the enemy of decency

now let's not pretend we don't know where this is going
right toward a messy collision
how come having fun is such a headache?
and how come it's so hard to have
or keep
this sucks
what's holding it all together?
it's not me, that's for sure

sometime after she saw through all the lies i'd said
(which, funnily enough i thought were true)
and i watched the sunset from a support underneath the bridge
i realized that too much time had passed
and the tree we'd carved our names into had died at last
like everything comes to pass...
i won't see you later, but i had a blast

as the goodbyes linger
upon the crisping autumn air
i can't forget the taste of time gone by
or the color, the feel, the scent of her hair

Late nights spent on a poem-site

oops, i think i might have done the same old thing again
blown up in the face of water
and the only person who could put me up and out
if i can get out of this town before that happens again
i just might be okay

how do you keep all your friends?
how do you afford all the expenses
that come with being a nice guy and always happy
like inside jokes and showing up on time
like saying her poem is fine, even though she has no idea how to rhyme
remember me?
that kid that blew you off when you tried to be friends
that was just another episode in the Season Two (that never seems to end)

Lies and cries (that's you)

what are you doing
lies can't teach me how to live
nor breaches of trust, or punches to the face
i have some news for you
my love died today
just went and up and blew its brains out into the bay
now the body is all that's left now
begging for everything, especially tickets for a train
to make it out of this city of pain
or just a ride over to your apartment to talk things out

actually, i just want you to get off of my case
i don't know if i can do it by myself
but i don't have any friends to help me
i'll just bite my lip and black my eyes
press the eject button and blast off to paradise

"but you can't make this go away, detective"
don't you tell me how to live

Good morning! here's phone so you can call in sick!

i can't remember falling asleep
so i'm not sure if i'm really waking up
or if that was just another sleepless night

my spine is bent, my neck is crooked
as the clock ticks on, i want my mom
or somebody to tell me it's okay

but i have to get up by myself
dim apartment, aching head
pressure pounding; am I dead?

or just making my way like i do every day
simultaneously everywhere and nowhere

living far too far past the point of

Everything's messed up, but everything's alright

you were my sweetest mistake
my favorite downfall
the sweet smelling emotional suicide
the best way to break my heart

but will i ever mention you?
when i talk about the people who were dear to me
i loved you, but that was a long time ago
before i went to bed and went to sleep
to dream and pretend i wasn't hurt
by the words i couldn't get out of my head
you were my greatest downfall
the biggest mistake i was ever glad to make
the only thing upon which i could break

will i wake to see the light
will i find that it's still night
will i cry when i remember what happened
do i have any reason to cry at all
do you?
the stars are brighter than i ever knew they were
burning through the sky
the moon is a pale imitation of a heart
illuminating the lonely road i'm on

i guess it was the same one all along

Da na na na

somedays i don't feel like dancing
those days i just smile and try to stay in time
i cannot believe them when they say i'll be okay
someone i trusted in tells me that it'll come out okay
okay, okay, okay, i've had enough with okay
i'm not feeling okay, i don't want it to be okay
just forget it. i don't care about it
i don't even know what the "it" we're talking about is
but i'm willing to bet i don't care

i just lost a bet
because i do care
i care about all the children growing up in broken homes
i care about all the withered trees without any water
about the fish in the sea
the birds in the sky
and you and i and myself and why do you wear sweaters no matter the weather?
she's a girl from the wrong side of the train tracks
growing up inbetween the huge homes and rich girls
who couldn't say they love you because they don't really care

Poets don't know it's all a game...

have you had dreams you'd care to forget?
i've had hallucinations that make me feel like-
probably because I'm afraid of the dark
and afraid of being alone
and afraid of damn near anything
like the silhouette in the doorway
that i can't quite make out
maybe that's a dream too (i hope)

you get used to the nightmares after a while
well, of course you would, they're happening to me
anyway, it's a lifetime guarantee
that i don't really know and probably won't find
exactly what i've always wanted

give me something that i need
satisfaction or at least something that won't bleed
kiss me right where it hurts
devastating the only hope that i was using
the hope that i could teach myself not to feel
to never love, hate, cry or laugh for any reason
truely. i guess i was lost. without a warning sound

I'm so cool, it's like my heart's frozen.

i'm sitting here drafting a new version of my heart
because my love emailed me a letterbomb and blew the old one all apart
i'm still tripping over broken bits and memories
when i toss them in the furnace i get bloodstains on my hands
maybe i'm supposed to be missing you
maybe i'm supposed to be a lot of things
like fidelity and honesty
and chivalry and love
and love
and love

i don't know how to tell you that i wished we were friends
or at least lovers
back-seat-kissers
(maybe this is a joke)
(maybe i don't care that this isn't something to joke about)
i've never been able to stop laughing
i made a joke about 9/11 after it happened
i was unused to tragedy
i've wised up good now
and am on close terms with a sense of doom
and hugs that bleed all over your clothes
and i've finally figured out that friends you can count on
and lovers you can count on to stab you in the back

I Was Only Loaning You Everything I Ever Did

Every single kiss I gave to every single girl
All alone under the starry night sky
I take them all back, because now I know
This is where I belong, here where I am
Every single kind word, whispered in a lover's ear
I'm taking them all back, because it's impossible to live
Or breath, if I know you're still counting them as true
Just give back all the rings, and all the pretty things
I bought every one of you
Give me back the memories, so I can burn them all
I know where I am is where I'm supposed to be
So don't fight, don't fool around, don't question me
You're too blinded by your happy endings to see that I'm right

I Can't Think Of Any Reasons For You To Get Out Of My Life, But I Guess You Did

I can see that you've lost me
I haven't heard from you in what seems like weeks
(You said you'd call every day
That you'd never leave or go away)
Well what's this? it's your absence
It hurts, even though it makes me come alive
Or dead, by now I can't really tell the difference

Even if you don't call tomorrow
And your letters never arrive
Even if my inbox is always empty
And I never hear from you again
I'll still be looking for a reason not to give up hope
And I'll never lose it, that reason is you

(It's another night spent under a bridge
Looking at where we carved our names into a tree
Reliving all the places where we were once alive
I can't tell anymore if I'm drowning in my love for you
Or just drowning in a lack of getting it back)

A Starry Night, In Blue

It's kinda sad, and a little upsetting
Knowing that no matter when I check
She won't be there
2 AM, and my inbox is empty
Like it was yesterday, and will be tomorrow
Even if I could make the stars fall
And kill the day with a word
I don't think I could find you
I've lost you too many times

As the computer starts to shut down
The darkness aches into my eyes
My apartment's shut up in shadow
Looking out the window, I see that half the city can't sleep
Who are you? sleepless people
Why are you still awake?
Are you trying to remember who you had
And what you did
Memories are good, it's true
But photographs are better, you can burn them if you need to

It's been such a long time now, I guess you're not coming home
But I'm still waiting to talk to you again
Maybe it's pathetic to still be waiting after 5 years
And even more after 17
But let me tell you, after a while
You get beyond frustration
And just start to fade away
Girl, I'll always still love you
I'll never go away

I see your face all through every day, and i can't remember your name, but we're happy so it's all okay

"There's five reasons why you saw me standing outside your window last night
But I can't remember any of them except for "I love you"
That's the excuse that I feel I can trust
I just don't know if I can trust who I'm excusing myself from"

i wrote that poem a long time ago
and for some stupid reason i copied it down onto the back of a photograph of us
hidden in the back of a set of drawers your aunt gave us
who thought we'd grow up and make memories
like the ones we recall these days
you and me, and the rest of the gang
running loose through the night
the joy and freedom was contagious
like a disease that uprooted you from your roots
and sent you tumbling through the air
who would have thought it
you landed next to me
all worn out and out of breath
you landed next to me