Emotional Investment #1

I couldn’t keep my eyes open. They just shut. At first all I could see was the light shining through my eyelids. My limbs were heavy, and I couldn’t seem to move them at all. Gradually the redness faded from my vision, and it all went gray. I could make out nothing at all. My limbs lost their feeling of heaviness, but now I could not feel them at all. I felt as if I could wave them about, but I could make contact with nothing, or even see them. Suddenly, as if a wave was washing away the grayness around him, a figure emerged. He was great, huge, far bigger than me. But he was also far off, enough that I could see him all without having to only see one part of him at a time. Looking, I knew who he was; Infinite Sadness. His robe was frozen in a tangled wind that did not blow, and his face was a mask frozen in the act of howled agony. I could almost hear his scream hovering in my ears like icy water, not moving, but detectable. When I reached the end of my endurance, I snapped into awakeness, my eyes still closed. The red filtered through my eyelids. Tears began to well up, but I feigned sleep.

The streetlights floated in the air. The pavement looked hard and orange in the light, and seemed to radiate energy. I started running, as light as a bird on the wing. I rushed along, and barely felt the impact of my feet on the sidewalk. Everything seemed to Be, and I could not help from laughing. I lost a part of me in the moment, and cannot remember when I ran out from under the lights back into dark.

My vision began shaking. The anger overtook me. My hands could not remain steady, and there was a lump in my throat. He reached forward and shoved my chest, and in the same movement I grabbed his arm and twisted him to the ground. I kicked him hard in the side, stomped on his chest, and slammed him in the temple with my heel. I slapped him and spat in his face. I screamed, and told him what a disgusting useless pointless fake utterly disgraceful waste of blood, air, and sex he was, how repulsed I was to even touch him, how much I hated everything about him, how I would order his death in a second, how he meant nothing to me, how horrifying it was to know he still existed, how I was at a complete and utter loss as to the point of a pale greasy sleazy shameful worm such as he. Then I ran as far and as fast I could. And then I cried until my eyes were sore.

The light played through the blinds as I lay by your side. And I knew, nothing could be so perfect as this.

But As For Me

I will shave my head, I will change my name
I will bedeck myself in jewelry and not act the same
I will endure upheaval and change in a struggle for my name
I will cross roads a hundred times and see something new again

While the wind pounds at the windows of my home
I'll be hiding under a bush thirty blocks away
And while the sun fries the eyes of the blind
A church will be my dark cool refuge from the day

I'll seek out the weary and the shamed
The garbage members of society
And ask them what they do to survive
And learn what I can before I die

I will destroy the middleman
I will breath in through my own nose
No oxygen from pipes or pumps
No children-woven clothes

[I will drive on muddy roads
In places where yankees should not go
I will splash through water stained with oil and fear
And run towards what I know I must find]

Father's Day '08

We visited my grandpa in his nursing home today for Father's Day, and I was left alone with him for a few minutes while my dad went to go find my mom and sisters. My grandpa has had several strokes, and finds things like talking and remembering who people are difficult. I normally just sit off in the corner; I don't know what to say to him. But we had a brief conversation this time:

Me: "Hi grandpa."

Grandpa: "Yeah!"

Me: "Happy Father's Day!"

Grandpa: "Who are you?"

Me: "I'm Walter, Mark's son." *gestures down the hall toward where my dad went*

Grandpa: "Oh, okay." *smiles slightly*

He was looking directly into my eyes throughout all of this. It was unusual, I had not actually spoken to him and made direct eye contact for probably a year or more. From the look in his eyes, I could tell he was trying to place me. Or maybe he knew who I was, and was just...I don't know. I cannot guess at what he was thinking.

It occurred to me later that he had, in a way, returned to being a baby. He is no longer capable of feeding himself, dressing himself, even going to the bathroom by himself.

I'm sorry we never really got a chance to get to know each other, Grandpa. Happy Father's Day, though.

Message In A Radio

Baby

Don't you weep. No don't you weep for me, for there is no one as lucky nor as gifted as I, for I have seen the sky torn in two and I have felt the light caress my face and

Darling

Don't you pray for me. Please don't pray, I've already gone and talked to God, and we figure the two of us have everything worked out okay, and there's nothing but smiles now, nothing but smiles

Sweetie

Don't you miss me now. No, you can't miss me, 'cause there is no one who is as happy, as light, or free as I, who can fly on the wind and soar through space and dive every depth and win every race and

Love

Please believe me now. Please believe, because I can't, and I'm still not sure.

Honey

egfiuhgiuaehfihgeuihgaghaeohgeohuodhgviuwhgrhurouhsghi3q2235258794285732328930
5270397#################################-----------------------------------
-------------------------__________________________________________________

the sun
fell
and I
tried to catch it
but it burned me very badly

To: The Global Artistic Community. RE: You.

Please stop. Please. You are killing me with your art and your self expression and your plumbing of feelings and your search for meaning and truth. Please stop it.

It hurts. I am an artist too, and what you do- it attracts me. I cannot help myself, I cannot turn away, I have to look and gaze and experience what you have done. And it hurts me. On the inside I am blind, confused, sore, raw, and I cannot confront what is there without flinching.

Please stop. If you are really the loving, feeling community you are..you will heal me. Or give me time to heal. You will put down your pens and your pencils and keyboards, your cameras and your paintbrushes. You will let me scab, and heal, and grow a new self. And then I shall be ready for your introspection and your feelings and your pretensions and your elegant language, and I will be able to approach it and join in and be able to wring meaning out of it, and we shall all be the greater for it.

But.

You will not stop.

The world is a machine, a corporate process that consumes, changes, recycles, spits out. everything. nothing left untouched. And you, you artists, you feelers, you introspective thinkers; you are part of this machine. No individual can make a change on you, unless it is a streamlining of the industrial process by which you operate. And, above all else, no individual can make you stop. It is as if I had opened up my window, stuck my head outside, and yelled, "Please World! Stop your orbit of the sun! Stop your rotation! Slow down, be still, if only for a few moments that I may catch my breath!"

That will not happen. It can not happen. But it is what I need.

But, it must be confronted, just because you need something to happen is no guarantee or reason for its happening. Or even the possibility of its happening.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.."
- I Cannot Remember Who Wrote This

"Everything I make is trite, and cheap, and a waste of paint, of tape, of time."
- Bright Eyes, Waste Of Paint

"If I were to write something that truly captured all that I think and feel about the world, it would probably be in all capitals, one word, probably not one you'd find in dictionaries, something along the lines of, EEEEEEEEEEERRRRYYYAAAAAAFEABHCDAKBJNAEAEGOGAEHUAGOHU!!!"
- Walter Mongin, To: The Global Artistic Community. RE: You.

id bring my camera with me

We were dead, no brains left in our heads
Just wandering around, taking pictures of a broken God
But it was still far greater than we could mention

And some of us wept, and some of us slept
And some embracing living forever

I am weak, but I can control myself. I am weak, but I am stronger than you. I want to die, but I will live forever. I am surrounded by lies, but I will speak the truth. I am tired, but I can dream while I am awake. I will move mountains, and I will drink seas. I will scrape the sky with my hand, and I will warm my feet in the earth. The wind cannot blow me down, and space can not burn my skin. I am invincible. I am a giant. I am God's child.

You will not defeat me now, you will never defeat me, and you have not defeated me in the past. I will destroy whoever I do not love, and I will love everyone. You can not change who I am, you can only accept it.

I will breath in the dusk, and exhale the dawn. Do not fear; the dark will not hurt you, and the light will not blind you. You are freer under my protection than you were ever before.

I feel the want to destroy, but I will turn to the need to create instead.

I am nothing; I am everything.

I am-

You Are The Light Within My Eyes (Darling, Do Not Blind Me)

You are the bones within my legs
(Darling, do not break in me, do not let me down)
You are the wind inside my lungs
(Darling, breathe in me, buffet me around)
You are the decay inside my cells
(Darling, please wait to grind me down)

[You are all I need to live
And You are why I will someday die
You will always give and give
While I will accept, and cry, and cry]

You are the chemicals in my brain
(Love, do not twist my moods)
You are the food within my belly
(Love, do not make me sick)
You are the thoughts making up my mind
(Love, do not leave me so far behind)

[You make me who I am
And define who I am not
You give me no middle ground or choice
My will is filled with rot]

You are the impulse telling me to jump
(Dear, do not smash me)
You are the feeling telling me to run
(Dear, do not exhaust me)
You are the things that belong to no one else
But I cannot call my own
(Dear, do not leave me)

A Story About Love

The light penetrated into the house; it forced its way in through the windows and lit up the rooms with a light that only served to make it easier to not trip, and did nothing to illuminate the spirit of the place. He was sitting at the kitchen table (actually, a card table he had found in a neighbor's garbage pile) waiting, when he heard a step on the porch stairs, and the door creak open. He got up and opened the door to the stairs, and as he caught sight of her she froze. The light seemed to pin her to the wall, accentuating her paleness and the lines on her face.

"What'd the doctor say?" She stared at him. He asked again, and the focused look in her eyes broke; "Oh, um..Can I come down there?" He moved out of the way and she finished descending the stairs.

"What's the news?" She looked at him over her shoulder as he began to shut the door. "No, leave it open."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"I- I'm leaving." He stared back at her in something between disbelief and uncomprehension.
"I- I don't have long to go, and...I need to live." She walked into the bedroom and swiftly packed the suitcase standing by the door. "I love you, you know that, but..I need see and do as much as I can before, well...Before I can't any more. And I need to do it alone."

He sat down suddenly at the table, seemingly stunned or concussed. She walked back out holding the suitcase. "I left your half of the money on the nightstand.." He stared dumbly at the floor. "Darling, don't make it be like this, can't you tell me you love me and goodbye one last time?" Her eyes began to moisten as he continued to silently stare down the floorboards. She walked over, kissed his forehead, and murmured, "I love you sweetie." There was no reply, and after a moment she said, "Bye.." and walked over to the stairs and ascended them to the outside world. As the front door shut, the light seemed to dim even further.

With the way he was holding his head in his hands, it was hard to tell who was dying faster.

A Brief Epilogue Of A Middle Class Family

The man walked into his childhood home. The lights were out, and he stepped forward with his arm out, trying to find a wall with a light switch. His hand met something solid and cold, and spasmed, sending it falling off the mantelpiece. A few seconds later he found the switch and light flooded the living room.

The drone of the vacuum permeated the house as it ate up the fluffy grey ashes in the carpet. The man's mind was locked inside his skull; his facial expression was unreadable. He finished the task, unplugged the vacuum, and carried it outside. As he tossed it into the garbage can, he murmured, "Sorry Mom, but it's my choice what to do with him now." A haze of grey flew up into the air only to be met and captured by the falling lid.

He reentered the house, and sat down in the old recliner stationed across from the tv. He stared at the tv a few moments and then lept up and smashed it in with his foot. He turned back around, grabbed the chair, and pulled it onto its side. He then proceeded to pick up a lamp and hurl it through the window before turning out the light by punching the switch, finally getting into his car and pulling out of the driveway quickly and recklessly, only to collide with another car speeding down the road, ending in a messy collision that had absolutely no good consequences for anybody.

Dusty Old Bones Used To Shine

I went to find some water
To sooth my parched dry throat
And there I found a girl
She smiled back at me
With a ring around her neck, I don't think she could have breathed
Even if she'd wanted to.

But this is far less than what there was
And there is so much I didn't know
But I tried to help, as I grabbed for her neck (to break the chain)
She had such a terrified look on her face
And my lantern was broken-
I couldn't see anything at all-
Before I knew what I had done, the funeral had already begun
And by the time the light hit my face, she was already in the ground

I cursed the sky that I couldn't see
And the dead earth laying under me
Then I walked away or blew away
I was lifeless, crumpled paper

Usually I'm okay but sometimes my mind kinda spins kinda wanders out of control and I don't know where you are but I know you're okay I hope you're okay I hope you're alright nothing's happening, I hope nothings happening, but I'm sure something's happened oh God no God no no no- And my mind just drops just falls just flies right away and I can't grab it or catch onto it or hold it in place or anything, it just disappears and I don't know what it's doing where it is but it hurts it's making me sick I'm sick and everything just feels dim you know? Dim? Like, it's, you know not quite there no it is there but you can't change it it's just a backdrop you're etched into you're just an etching you're nothing but a little scratch on a wall and I'm stuck I can't breath move I can't move from where I am and suddenly I'm still frozen paralyzed but suddenly I break through and cry and freeze again with tears on my face as the world outside growls at me it growls and I know it'll bite me, it's going to bite me, don't let it bite me.

Please, baby...Please.

This will not last nearly long enough.

The party was just worth it for the few minutes on your porch
All alone with just you and the world
The murmur of our voices is kind of like a careless sleeve on a wet canvas
Blurring and smearing the scenery
Making everything a little stranger and more different than it was already
It's a few minutes after 1:30, I should probably be going home
I think about asking if I could have the couch, but I don't yet know you well enough for that
So I groan and get up, say it's time I hit the road
And you smile sadly and wave goodbye with two fingers
In retrospect I probably could've stayed the night if I'd've been bold enough

All that's keeping me up is the hardness of the concrete sidewalk
I can just make out the glow of your cigarette as I turn the corner
Like the stilling of your addiction as you inhale the smoke
This won't last
It just won't last

Whirlwind Roma(Maturation)nce.

It was her day, but it was not freely given. While the pews were packed with friends and relatives, they were also filled with whispers and rumors. "I just cannot see them together for more than a week." "Did you know that they just met a few days ago?" "She's making a mistake.."

She smiled nervously as the pastor spoke, and looked sideways at the man standing next to her. He caught her eye and turned the corner of his mouth up in a way that resembled the very, most reduced level of a smile. She turned her gaze back to the pastor, squinting slightly in the light that was coming in the window behind him.

Her soon-to-no-longer-be fiancé was a good man, and would care for her dearly despite the slight age gap. He had no serious faults or vices, and was not hard to please. He respected her as a woman, and enjoyed the respect she gave him as a successful, well-rounded man.

Outside the leaves were unfurling, only to turn red and orange in a few months and drop to the ground, lifeless and dead. But nobody mocked them from inside that small, old church. Nobody took away from them the lesson the girl had, either.

You did not so much fall into love, as get pushed into it.

All is full of love
The sunsets and the sunrise
The eggshells and the lampshades
They are full of love
For you, and what you are
And who you are
Just take yourself and realize it
Because all is full of love
The sea and the stream and the chemical choked pond
All are ready to laugh
Every one is vibrating in time
To the greatest beat of all
Every bacteria or hand grenade, every sword or gun or plague
All are full of love
You cannot deny it.

I Am Who I Am, And Always Will Be. But That Doesn't Mean I Can't Be A Better Person Than I've Been Lately

3 years have already gone by

Sometimes I am hit by the splendor of things
And the tragedy
And they often conflict with the idealistic ideas that I hold so dear
How can I stand when I am so very small?
How can I breath when the air is so tall?

Then the clocks break down as clouds explode in the sky
And the wind is a parade as I discover I can fly
But the dirt is quicksand that sucks on my feet
Pulling off my sneakers and soaking my socks
My ankles are chilled, I am grounded, shut down, locked

So I'll break bottles until I see God in the flash
And I'll twist off apples from the old tree out back
I will wash my dirty clothes in cold water so clean
And live in hope of meeting someone who knows exactly what I mean

If We Find Each Other, We Won't Be Completely Lost

He slid down the gravel slope, stumbling and kicking up dust. You could tell by the awkwardness of his movements that he wasn't used to the area. When he got to the bottom, he looked around. It was an odd effect; the massive stone columns and the bridge overhead gave him the impression that he was indoors and out of scale. For all he could imagine, it was a huge table with a family of giants eating dinner above him. He strolled along, gazing at the graffiti and old cans of spraypaint. Suddenly he heard a sharp sound up ahead of him, and looked up.

She had just ducked behind a support, and he could see a bit of her hair hanging out past the edge of it. He quietly ran toward her, and when he was about 10 feet away, she peeked out around it and shrieked in laughter. She took off farther down the underbelly of the bridge, with him pursuing her.

She ducked behind another pillar and his sneakers left marks on the concrete as he skidded to a stop and changed direction. After about ten minutes of this, he was exhausted and had lost sight of her. He was leaning over, with his hands on his knees, trying to slow his breathing, when she called from behind him. "Hey." He stood up and turned around, and she walked toward him. They reached out towards each other, but just as they were about to embrace, a man called out, "Hey, stop right there!" They looked, saw a police officer sliding down the gravel slope at the other end of the bridge, and made a break for it. As they ran, their velocities slowly changed until they had split far apart, and were scrambling up opposite sides of the gravel ridge. He looked to her in desperation, but she only smiled, panted, and mouthed "Run!"at him. Then she jumped up and climbed out of view, and he did the same.

Like A Statue Of An Angel

And it is all because of you
that I dream of statue angels
All because of you
I have given up hope of being saven
It was your eyes that sucked the beauty from the sky
and your hair that pulled the grace from the wind in the trees

Please take me over and cleanse me
Save me from myself
Be the beauty I've always wanted in life
and the painted sunset, or the picture on my wall
Something to remind me that there is never nothing
And you cannot forever fall

Be the floor underneath my feet
or the soap-bubbles in my bath
Be the light inside my eyes
Just please be something that will last