Limbo

Apparently I have a very good life
and I guess I wouldn't dispute that
but I can't say the same for my self and my soul
and my mind and my heart and my head
Because my days are filled with little things
No big disasters, just tiny misfortunes
That wear away at my mood and my mind
and make me lose my place in time

they're the reason I don't get out of bed
and the reason for the headache spiraling through my head
the letters with words that look flat and dead
but at least I have a chest under my bed

That gives me hope and strength

There's nothing in it that would save the day
and nothing to keep me warm on cold winter nights
Nothing to make me feel any more at home
But pictures of you and strands of your hair
and pieces of clothing that still barely smell of you
They keep part of my heart out of the hurt
and back in the past when we would lie awake all night
and look at the patterns of light on the ceiling, and pretend they meant something
And only we knew what they meant

Silent voices and quiet silences
and the sound of our fingertips telling each other we love the other

The little things still get me down; you always said I was bad at dealing
And the world in general keeps me from healing
But that doesn't mean I can't live with hurt
Memories of us keep it from getting worse

Poem about Things

Life is better than you think it is, and yours is worse than it seems
The poor are the happy when they're not freezing and starving
and the rich and the famous are the tortured and sleepless
when they wake up to what they've done and who they are

I don't think the smell of flowers can save me when it's snowing in my soul
and out on the city streets
Someone out there is wandering through the snow
Wishing there was a home waiting somewhere
I'd give my home to all of them if I knew who I was

[their bodies are broken and so is my mind
broken and breaking, shattering and flying apart
they need a roof over their heads and i need a hand over my heart]

If you think your scars are bad
We can debate and compare
You'll look at my mind and I'll look at your back
We'll make sure that Christmas isn't a deathday
For the homeless, sick and poor
We'll stave off the pain for a few more hours until the wetness from our tears becomes dry

Wishlist

i wish i could open my arms
wide enough to clutch the whole earth to my chest
and i wish i could open my heart
big enough to give a home to everyone who needs it

if only i could expand my sight
far enough to see everything there is
i think that could broaden my mind
great enough to imagine a world with everything at peace
and just exactly how to get there

if i could perk up my ears
good enough to hear every laugh and sob throughout this tragic sphere
i think i could remember them, and match a laugh to every tear

sorrow is only two letters away from sorry
and a world away from joy
but depending on if the glass is half empty or half full
you can turn sorrow into joy or flowers into dirt
a flood into a painting or mix it with the tears of a dying man

i wish i could liven my tongue
enough that it would never be still
and always moving, always speaking
telling the sad people to keep on moving
that there's sunshine around the corner
and life around the block
but it lies dull and mute inside my mouth

someday i'll be able to make myself as free as life
and as far spread as the ocean and the air combined
so no one will cry themselves to sleep with no one to tuck them in at night

A little chat about life and things

maybe tonight we can pretend life was really a fairytale up till now
what do you say to tonight my baby
'cause it's our very first night together as a couple that's married
so tell me that you're all mine now
and tell me that i'm yours just as much as you belong to me
the touch of your hand on my cheek and the taste of your mouth just has to mean something
mean something more than i think it does
let's screw up one more time and see if we've really made as many mistakes as we've said we have

the priest is standing in front of the altar
and now it looks like so are we
it's hard to believe right now if the moment we've been hoping for since we met
but we just said 'i do' and it looks like i won the bet i made against life
that happiness can come more than just once
and we can have as many perfect days as there are in a year

let's get this right this time
let's make believe that there's nothing else in the world besides you and me

[actually, this time
there isn't
it's just you and me together
and time and the world have no place with us]

There's an unlabeled up/down button in this elevator, and I have this feeling it's a metaphor for life

i'd like to give a thank you to everyone who's ever spat in my face
or pushed me down into the mud
and i'd like to welcome every moment that's made me want to change the past
or erase it all outright

you've all made me the person that i am
so every threatening knife was held in an open hand
and all the sadness in the world has made me the happiest man in the land

i'm just trying to make sense out of all this
trying to turn a reversal of fortune into a reason for happiness
and be the way i wanted to be when i had first packed my bags and set out on this journey

Detachment

the scalpel separates my heart from my chest
the surgeon pulls it out through a hole cut in my breast
but i don't bleed
and i won't cry
i'll look death in the face
but i won't die

my lungs deflate
i can breath for once
but my soul i can tell is what the reaper hunts
but i won't let him
and no matter how hard he tries
i'll stare death down
i'll refuse to die

i'll wake up then
in a hospital room
and read the words traced on my arm
by a delicate blade that did no harm
it says 'love hurts
love bleeds
love seeks out lovers
they're what it needs'
i'll clench my fist
and groan in pain
as my stomach is gripped by pain again

'love hurts
love bleeds
lovers might hurt
they might bleed
but still they need
a hand to squeeze during darkest night
someone to tell them they'll be alright
and show them that the morning light
will come with time
it will come with time'

A [very sappy] Poem.

some people said that God is a fraud
or a dirty old man who likes to see us hurt
and some people say that the point of life
is to end up buried in the dirt
with no soul or spirit, just decaying tissue
inert

well, i say that if it's all about sex in the end
then we should all just go get laid right now
and when we're done lift a gun to our brow
and end it before we have a chance to hurt
because there's no point getting hurt if our only repayment is the dark

thank God i don't see the world that way
thank the Lord i think there's a reason for the day
life is better when death only cuts open the body
and lets out the soul
for when you peel the flesh away, each person then is a little more whole
until our Father puts them back together again
point at wars and death, i'll still say He's our friend

and how can you say there's no point to life
when you look at the love between a husband and wife
who were really meant for each other
and no other
just each other

a rhyming poem is a crappy medium
to explain myself and why i feel this way
intoxicated with emotion, i can only jot down poems and wait for the day
that my waiting will be justified
and my longing will be satisfied
and i will take you deep inside
and never let you go

Free

too tired to make any promises
but i swear that i'll think of you all night
i'll keep you in my head til morning
and murmur your name instead of cursing the too early light

and we're free as birds that are locked in a cage
free as two tigers in a zoo
free as the wind that can't make it into space
free as an ocean painted blue

i'll love you til the sands of time blow away
i'll still love you at the end of the next line
if you touch me at all i'll collapse in your arms
i really think that right now that'd be fine

we're free as the water that's froze in a pipe
as free as a couple eloping from life
who haven't yet come of age

as free as a tree in the path of axes
as free as a man with nothing to do but die
i'm caged in this life but my freedom increases
when i'm holding you close
and staring into your eye

Experimenting

which came first, the heartbreak or the heart attack
which came second, the chicken or the egg
who killed the professor, and with what in which room
why is my head so full of mysteries and questions
they won't leave me alone, even though i know they're trivial and pointless
and irrelevant to my situation
i don't even know what it is any more

is a sacrifice love or is it just self inflicted pain
is alcohol a drink or just a drinkable poison
am i a person you can trust or just one you can trust to be untrustworthy
is love the miracle drug or is it the miracle that breaks past drugs

The emo poem.

another day is just another trip through the mud
another piece of daylight with which to write emo poems
all about lonely children looking for their homes
looking for a hero, and looking for their hearts
looking for something that will put them back together after being blown apart
by the natural explosiveness of life

another love is just another hammer that breaks
something else to smash my heart to pieces with
breaking is easy if it's all that you do
i broke myself with an education, religion and video games
and now you
breaking is fun if you get a kick out of being blue

another depression is just a mood swing that doesn't come up
just another one of those ups and downs of life that turns out to only be a down
it's part of all the pressures and part of all the fears
an ingredient in pain and a spice in stress
the background to your life, behind the happiness and color
drop every bad moment in your life and make the impression upon yourself
it's a good thing after all

that message works wherever you want, if you push it in hard enough

Poem for Someone

looking at me right in the eyes
as we're running away from everything that we held dear and held us down
she asks me if i really think we have that much of a future together
i reply, look at the sky
look at the open road in front of us
forget about the past, that's becoming steadily behind us

yes, i'm so sure it's true that the world was made for me and you
and that we can go where we want, from the dark of the ocean
to high in the atmosphere
we'll walk and swim and fly wherever we want to go
and everyone will know
that we're no longer the same

and we'll never be the same again
til death do us part, and break our one heart
til we let go even though we're holding hands
if the rest of the world that we can't see
decides it's time to go
we'll make the journey together
or wait until we can

"i love you"
and i swear for once that's true

I'm the dirt inbetween your toes...

there's a million reasons for everything to turn out right
and a life and a world and a universe that simply doesn't care
but i still believe in a world just past my senses
a walk around a dark corner into what you think is there
and i still believe in love
and i still believe in you
i'll always believe in truth, even if i can't tell what's true

have you read the story God wrote about us?
i haven't either
but i heard it's a thriller
a drama and a romance
a suspense and a mystery
but the biggest one is how it's gonna end

and this might be a blow
but i can't promise anything
just give you my word that i will do the best i can
in this ever changing world
i can be the walking stick you support yourself with
be the dirt underneath your feet
and while i can't say i'll never break upon a stone
or collapse under your feet
i swear i'll do my best to hold fast
to hold fast for you

[And I will only lie down
by the fire with you, my love
I will only lie down with you]

Italicized life

i'm feeling like the victim of a train-hit-and-run
staring aimlessly in wonder into the rainbow-tinged sun
you want to fall in love? no
you want to fall in real love
true love
the kind that hurts the worst when it's taken away

i'm feeling like the victim of having her taken away
like the hero of a story that's unfortunately gone awry
like maybe the author wasn't quite awake
and stupidly wrote in a bad mistake

i'm feeling like a druggie when he realizes he's stoned
and behind the wheel
with no time to heal
and his love's life in his hands
and the backseat of the car

It's cold, but my blood is boiling

someday i'm going to burn this town down
right down to the ground
and hope it takes my old life with it too
because what i'm doing is just walking toward my breaking point
and every step takes me a little farther from you

i've tried and tried and tried and tried and failed to see the point
in what i'm doing here
every single heartbeat just shakes my life a little farther apart
every single breath just pushes at my sanity
and it's such a beautiful day, not quite the kind for a mental breakdown
it's cool and the air is crisp
the sky is bluer than i've ever seen it before
and i can't stand it, i'm closing the door
and drawing the blinds so i won't see it anymore

but you call me up
and plead with me
i guess i might be alright
if you'd come over and spend the night
and tell me i'm okay
and it'll all turn out good in the end
that's what i need to hear the most, you know

Eden and Us

Earlier this night I took my dog for a run/walk. We ran for a while, then turned around and walked home. As it was already a warm night, I was fairly hot and sweaty when we got back home. I opened up the gate into the backyard, and we walked around the perimeter. When we got to the other side of the house, I stopped for a moment at the fan for the air conditioner. I put my head over it and let it blow warm air into my face for a few moments. Then, looking around, I took off my shirt and hopped up onto the air conditioner. It was a beautiful night, and the stars were shining brightly compared to what they usually are in the city. I let the air play around me, drying and wiping away the sweat and easing my tiredness.

I think this is something everyone can relate to. Some deep part of them is still lonely for Eden, for a world free from harm, where it's possible to walk naked without either emotional or physical protection or armor, and still be unhurt. Just imagine it...a place where it was possible to live the world with all of your senses and all of your emotions. No car exhaust or concrete to numb the senses, no hate or hostility to numb the emotions. Being free to live in the moment, to experience and taste everything without fear of making a mistake and venturing where you should not go. Is this what we gave up for the knowledge of good and evil? Did we really sacrifice Eden for the chance to make it on our own, to make our own mistakes?

If we are God's children, was that our teenage years? Or were they even only the pre-teen rumblings, the beginnings of testings of authority? Perhaps that was even as little as the crawling of a one year old where its parent had firmly told it "No, Do Not Go There".

The quest for maturity is not meaningless. If the human race does not grow, flourish and mature as individuals, how can it as a whole? Are we really trying to be the best we can be, or are we content with being slightly better than we strictly need to be? Somehow, a global collapse into anarchy and indulgence instantly appears repugnant. On the other hand, it is barely possible to visualize a world that thinks clearly, without infighting and hostility. Still...one of these must be a goal to aim for, and it only remains up to each person to decide which they will personally try to attain.

Together, the word "future" is irrelevant

{I wrote this for Maggie <3}

if you feel like an adventure
i'd suggest you come with me
we could sleep out in the countryside
and bath in the morning dew
walking down a lonely road with my guitar on my back
and your hand in mine
if heaven and hell decide that it's time to collect their dues
we'll hide out under a tree
until God sends all his angels after us
and play hide and seek

if i ever decide to go back and finish school
you can tell me about your day
and i'll sing you a song about mine
with our worn-out clothes in a worn-down house
and my pick striking rusty strings
i'll try to tell you just how i feel
and maybe strike a chord from deep inside your soul
and we can play out a song of how it's supposed to be

you
& me

I'm protecting my protector, who in turn protects me...

oh, how cruel
are these unbreakable rules
that say i cannot cross the distance between us in a way
that'd only take a second
barely any time at all
'till i was snug up close beside you
and we were leaning on the wall
pretending the world just didn't matter
but then again it didn't to us
i can't believe it's true you love me
i haven't known the truth too much

but now you're here, and i have no fear
because your heart is pumping fire in my chest
no longer afraid of walking into the dark
or into the light
or into death, or into a fight
because my body is being moved by your heart
it now is sacred; nothing can rip or tear it apart

"No, really, I am trying to make this work"

now i sort of hate to say this but you look like a slut
but why are you sad? did that hurt too much?
i don't want to hurt you but i hate to lie
i don't want to leave anyone questioning what i've said once i die
so forget all the that i said that started with "i try"
when all's said and done it was probably a lie

but the night sky is so bright
and the stars are shining down
kind of makes me forget what's going on around me
if you want me to, i can tell you a truth
or i can make myself useful and help you out

[you're all that's standing between my happiness
and a total lack of expectations for myself]

Everything else is just distracting us from us

i had the same dream i always do last night
except this time i was awake
and it was really happening
i have to tell you all, my dear dear friends
even if your hope is past the expiration date
don't give up, just reach out to the sky
because dreams can never die
they just fall asleep

and here we are, you and me
waiting for our hearts to beat, and life to start
lying in the dark
my darling, it's an adventure
(i can't tell you how much i'm enjoying this)
my sweetheart, it's an adventure
(i never want to let go of your hand)
i can almost feel your heart about to beat, your breath about to begin
(my sunshine in a dark room.
we're an adventure)

Hotel de heartbreak

i have to say
i think this is the best time of my life
but i'm not sure, i've never been awake like this before

and you showed up at my back door last night
and i let you in because you said you needed a place to stay
don't you know, i think i would have let you in anyway

and this is the best time of my life
you can see it in my eyes in the photographs you took
that i've never been awake before

we played scrabble until the early morning hours
when you said you needed to go to sleep; you had a job in the morning
i made a bed up on the couch, and told you to go into my room and sleep there
i never went to sleep, i just got up and made you breakfast

is this the best time of your life?
i'm sure it's the best part of mine
i don't think it was ever possible to see my heart beating by looking in my eyes before

please come back, i'm waiting here for you
i'm leaving my back door unlocked
the key to my heart is under the mat

[and that was the best time in my life
when i woke up and it felt alright
to be making breakfast for someone else
and having morning conversation in the house
so please come back, i'm still waiting
just passing the time keeping memories from degrading]